Oops

It's been a few weeks since I've written.  There are multiple reasons but one is that it's been a few weeks since I've felt good about my decisions on this journey I'm on.  Not all of my decisions have been bad the last 3-4 weeks but it seems there may have been more bad than good.  Or at least the bad were really bad.  The short story: calorie counts and sodium counts were high while exercise was mediocre at best - with a couple of really good days and a couple sedentary days.

There were some definite positives:

• Spent some time with family
• Had some away time to think and reflect
• Finished my second 5k a couple minutes faster than the first one

Yesterday morning in our staff prayer time I heard a few things as I listened to what God may want to share with me.  The primary thing I heard that I think applies to how I spent my last few weeks is this:

"You are still striving on your own too much - trying to handle stress, loneliness, anger, and disappointment by yourself.  Let Jesus have that stuff.  He can handle it.  It's why I gave Him to you."

Thanks God.  What an awesome present offered to each of us.  May we remember during this time of celebrating that gift.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

The Anonymity of the Drive-thru.

A couple weeks ago I was sharing with a small group about some of my struggles and in my sharing I used the phrase "the anonymity of the drive-thru."  We were just getting to know each other at the time and so were sharing some of our stories with each other.  Since that time I have thought more about this and wanted to share some of my thoughts here.

I was brought up nutritionally sound.  Mom wasn't the fanciest cook around but we had healthy balanced meals that for the most part looked and tasted good.  There were certainly some recipes I preferred to others - no doubt about it.  We ate most of our meals at home rather than going out to eat.  We didn't have sugar coated cereals, candy, soda or potato chips in the house very often.  We did have cookies and ice cream around a little more but they still weren't a daily part of our meals.

So, from an early age, I had a general idea of what was good for me and what wasn't.  I will admit I did pick up the idea somewhere that to eat the stuff that wasn't good for me was more than just unhealthy - it was wrong.  That meant that if I was going to do it I had to try to do it without anyone seeing me do it so I wouldn't get caught.  This made for an interesting dynamic sometimes. 

I can remember "sneaking" cookies from the freezer or checking the time to see if I could take some ice cream, eat it, and wash the bowl and spoon before anyone got home so I wouldn't get caught.  This escalated as I got a little older, started working, and starting buying snacks or junk food after work or on the way home.  For the most part I still tried to keep this hidden so I wouldn't have to admit to doing something wrong.  For much of my life I attributed doing something wrong with being wrong.  I am still in process of moving past that concept. 

Growing up I enjoyed a fairly active life which means some of the unhealthy choices were not having a significant effect on my physical health because I was still burning a lot of calories during the day.  No doubt in high school I was a little big.  Had I played football - nobody would have thought about it - I would have been the perfect size.  Playing soccer it didn't work quite the same but I still played.  It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I started to put on significant weight.  I can't say that's the year I discovered the "drive-thru" but it is the year it became a more regular part of my routine.

I chose not to play soccer my senior year.  Instead I hung out with friends either at school or a fast food restaurant after school was out.  There were a number of days when I would leave to go home I'd find myself heading to a fast food restaurant and going through the drive through on my way home.  Because I knew it was wrong and didn't want my parents to know I did that I would still eat supper with them when I got home.  Not only was I now eating unhealthy food I was also eating way too much because I was eating two dinners.  Being less active because of not playing soccer helped the pounds start to add on.

My real question is why did and do I still sometimes find the drive-thru so attractive?  I think it's because I felt like I was not as likely to be seen or "caught" if I went through a drive through instead of going into the restaurant.  In thinking about this concept recently I would still be more likely to order more when I go through a drive through than if I went in and ordered my food - even if ordering it to go.  Why?  Less people will see me do it.  Very rarely have I gone through a drive through because it was faster or more efficient.  I said that's why I did it but I really don't think it was.  A few weeks ago I did go through a drive thru. (Yes, I still sometimes eat unhealthy food.)  As I pulled into line with about 4 cars ahead of me to order, a guy walked out of the restaurant and said "there's no line inside."  It would have been much faster for me to park, go inside and order my food to go, and go back to the car but I stayed in line.  Why?  Anonymity.  Less people would see.

Why do I prefer to have my pizza delivered?  Less people to see.  Yes, I don't have to go out either - but that's not the real reason - it's the anonymity, the not "getting caught."  Is there anything wrong with having a drive-thru?  Is there anything wrong with using it? Is there anything wrong with having food delivered? Is there even anything wrong with eating any of the foods I've mentioned in this post?  Not necessarily.  It's about how we use them and how they affect us.  From the food end it's about balance and planning our calorie intake so it corresponds with our activity level. 

So my encouragement today is to analyze the choices you make to see what the reasons are behind them.  As I change my lifestyle and habits to be healthy I continue to recognize this journey is not about weight loss - it's about life change.  The weight loss is a side benefit.  Granted -its an important one but is still the side effect of the changed life and not the goal in and of itself.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Redemption

Many times we think of redemption, at least from a Christian worldview, as what God did and does for us.  And that is redemption.  But that is not all that redemption is.  That is one specific form of or kind of redemption.  God restores us to relationship with him by offering us forgiveness of sin through Jesus' atoning death and resurrection.  

Today I want to think about our part in redemption and I'm going to take it out of the context of sin and broken relationship with God.  I believe God created each of us for a purpose.  I also believe that everything in my life is there for a purpose.  When something in my life is out of line with it's purpose it is in need of redemption.  The process of redemption then is to identify the purpose, identify its current condition, and then to bring it in line with it's purpose.

Here's an example that those who know me well at least should be able to laugh a little about - my car.  For most of my life my car has been a storage space for a variety of things including trash and old things that need to be thrown out but haven't been yet.  And if that's the purpose of my car then I spent way too much money on it.  :)  So let's re-think this for a moment.

The purpose of my car is to provide a clean, comfortable space that makes traveling enjoyable for myself and any guests I may invite into that space.  At the time I started this process of redeeming my car lets just say my car was something less than the stated purpose.  So redemption, was taking my car from the condition it was in to a condition that now fulfills its purpose - bringing my car into line with what it's supposed to be.  Is my car perfect?  No.  Is it clean?  Most of the time and I'm committed to not letting it be dirty for long.  Would I be embarrassed to offer someone a ride?  No.  And that's the difference.

So what does that have to do with losing weight, getting in shape and being healthy?  Is being overweight a sin?  Not necessarily.  I believe God desires for his children to be healthy.  Do we all need to be athletes?  Absolutely not.  Does health look the same for everyone?  No way.  Are some people predisposed to obesity and weight gain?  Maybe - I'm not a doctor so won't even try to answer that exclusively. 

I actually started looking at this as how I view and treat food.  I needed to redeem my meal times.  Food was either an afterthought or an end goal for me.  What's for supper tonight?  I don't know.  What will taste great or make me feel good?  There's nothing wrong with great tasting food - it's still my preference.  The difference is the purpose of that food and that meal time.  The food is to provide me with fuel so I can live the life I want and God wants me to live.  Since viewing it as fuel I now check the ingredients to make sure it is good fuel.  I haven't arrived yet but I am working to also make my meal times intentional times of communing with God and times of personal reflection.  So the time I spend eating is now becoming a holy time and a sacred time. 

I have a lot of other things I am now working on to go through this same process with as well - identifying their purpose, their current state, and then bringing them in line with their purpose.  I am working to redeem the physical spaces in my life and my time.  As I do this God is continuing to bring me in line with his purpose for me which means I continue to be redeemed.  The result?

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

First time for everything

There really is a first time for everything.  I've seen a number of firsts over the last few months but October's firsts may be sticking out a little more because some of them are first time ever occurrences rather than just first time since starting this journey.  Here is October's list...

• October 1: Completed a 5k race
• October 21: First strength training workout since starting this journey
• October 22: Climbed Spruce Mountain
• October 30: (still to come) Preaching and sharing my journey personally outside of Spruce Lake since beginning this journey.
• Hit my first real plateau in this journey - stayed right around the same weight or even added a couple pounds in the last month.

These are some firsts that are tangible and available for all to see.  There are some others that it's possible that nobody but me will notice.  While stretching prior to a workout this month I was able to touch my toes with legs straight and knees locked.  I later picked something up off the floor standing in that position.  Those were firsts.  Putting on a 3x shirt and thinking - I can wear it but it's really too big.  Sitting in an office chair with a hydraulic lift and not having it sink to it's lowest level because there's too much weight on it.  I even did a couple exercises with the trainer that I had to climb up onto an apparatus to do them and I would never have tried them even now without a trainer there to push me - but I was able to do them and proud of the accomplishment after the fact.

Those are some firsts that are exciting and I'm happy for and proud of.  I'm not as proud of the current plateau but I know it's normal.  I also know that the journey I'm on is one of a changed life and a new lifestyle and the numbers on the scale are only a result of the changed life, not the goal themselves.  I will continue to live my life with my renewed commitment to health and wellness and let the numbers fall where they will - and I know they will fall.

While I am proud of these accomplishments and know I should be celebrating them sometimes I feel a little lame in doing so.  After all - what's the big deal?  I'm just doing what I think everyone should be able to do and likely does as they live their life.  Celebrating it because it's a first for me makes me feel a little foolish at times even though I don't think it should.  It does make me wonder if there are still some self image issues in need of change and if changing those would then make me more ready and excited to celebrate these and more firsts that will be coming.

Learning to celebrate will be explored in a future blog post I'm sure.  For now I take the firsts in stride and keep moving knowing every step draws me closer to the man God created me to be.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Green Circle 5k (First ever)

October 1, 2011 I participated in the Green Circle 5k in Winchester, VA.  This was a celebration of going under the 300 pound mark which I had hit a few weeks earlier.  It was a cold and rainy day - not usually a time I'd be headed out for a run, or in this case walk.

I had a lot of emotions going in.  I was excited to do something I'd never done before.  I was a little nervous about doing it because it was new but I was confident I'd be able to finish the course.  I certainly struggled with whether or not I "belonged" there mixed in with all the runners and athletes. 

Friday night I had arrived in Winchester, had dinner with some friends and bought a quality pair of running shoes.  New shoes on I went to the registration table on Saturday and got my number.  Some stretching and warming up and I joined the group at the starting line.  After some instructions the race was started we were on our way. 

Never having done one of these before I really had no idea what to expect.  I was pleasantly surprised to find volunteers every little way making sure we were headed the right way but all of them were supportive and encouraging as I passed them.  There were also enough of them that it wasn't long after passing one that the next one was in sight.  This made it very easy to keep going and set a short term goal - get to that next station.

I had set three goals before I started: two primary ones and a secondary one.  My first goal was to finish and my second to not stop for any breaks.  I did slow down when I wanted to drink so I didn't get water all over me but as wet as I was from the rain that probably wouldn't have mattered.  I did drop my water bottle at one point but was able to pick it up without stopping my movement and therefore still meet that goal.  My third goal was to finish in under an hour if I could.  I accomplished all three.  My time was 54:48.  That means I did a little better than 3 miles/hour which I was actually pretty excited about since I walked all but about 3 minutes of the time.  I jogged a few steps a couple of times but mostly stuck to walking.

There was a 1 mile kids fun run that started 45 minutes after the 5k and used the last part of the 5k course.  This meant I crossed the finish line with a bunch of children completing their run.  It did make me feel a little out of place but my goal was not to finish before them.  Next time it will be.  I finished 160th overall and 13th in my age division.  :)  Of course there were only 160 participants and 13 in my age division.  My competetive side never likes coming in last but since the goal at this event was to finish, where I placed didn't matter.

I did discover a couple of things. 

• 5k (3.1 miles) is not that far and I was easily able to finish
• I had more left when I was done so I could have gone farther or faster.
• The encouragement I received from the volunteers and participants made the race easier.
• At the end of the day I only had 11,000 some steps in (I had more the day before).  :)

Overall it was a good experience.  I got to meet some great people.  I don't quite know if I can say it was fun but I did enjoy doing it.  I'm glad I did it and I plan to do some more.  I do see it as good discipline and the training for them will actually be the most physically beneficial part while the completing of them is likely an important psychological part of my journey. 

I am planning to participate in the Jingle Bell Run with my brother in Birmingham, AL on December 10.  I'm hoping for a little warmer weather and a little better time.

Less me me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Rethinking the Love Chapter

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God with heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourself.  I have wondered over the years what it means to love myself.  Below is an adaptation of 1 Corinthians 13.  Both the TNIV text and my adaptation are shown.

And yet I will show you the most excellent way.

And now let me show you the best way.

If I speak in human or angelic tongues,^[a] but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

If I have an amazing talent but don’t love myself, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.  If I have gifts and wisdom that astonish people and a faith that can move mountains resulting in swarms of followers but don’t love myself I am nothing.  If I give everything I have to the poor and intentionally choose hardship so I can help others and set an example for other believers but don’t love myself I have gained nothing

 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is patient so I’ll remember that “fixing” my brokenness is a process and I will gladly focus on taking one step at a time.  Love is kind so I won’t beat myself up when I fail.  It does not envy so I won’t be jealous or upset if someone else has more “success” than I do.  Love does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others and is not self seeking so while I will celebrate and feel good about my “success” I will not lord it over others or think right steps somehow make me better than others.  Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs so when I make mistakes I will not be angry with myself and I will pick things up tomorrow and do the right thing – walking where God leads me.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth so I will focus on the good choices I’m making and not on the bad ones.  I will celebrate the truth of the accomplishments recognizing that it is God accomplishing great things in me and I will let God use me to help others accomplish great things as well.  Love always protects always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres so I will protect the time I need to make the right choices that help me grow and I will trust the process keeping the end goal and big picture in mind as I go.

 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Love never fails.  If the new life is about heart change (true love), not symptom relief, it cannot fail.  Amazing talent and astonishing wisdom will fade and pass away over time.  Human talent and wisdom is limited and time makes everyone equal at the end.  We have only limited understanding when we are relying on our own knowledge and ability but as more and more of ourselves is surrendered to Christ the limitations go away.  When I was young I was impatient and focused only on the moment.  As I have aged and grown I am learning to see the big picture, think outside the moment, and focus on the goal.  Now I see potential, then I will see accomplishment.  Now I know who I want to be but don’t think I am.  Then I will simply be.

 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And now these three remain: faith in the process, hope for the outcome and future and love for myself.  But the greatest of these is loving myself because as I love myself the process will continue and the hoped for outcome will become reality.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

The magic pill

I spent a lot of time on the road this weekend and at one point I heard an ad for a diet pill of some kind.  It caught my attention because of the initial qualifications they were looking for.  They wanted people over 25, not just "legal" age and people that had more than 25 pounds to lose so not just someone wanting to fit into a particular outfit better.

I had heard the ad before and kind of scoffed at it when I heard it but this time I paid attention to their selling point.  The ad made it sound as though this pill or tablet was almost guaranteed to work and the best part was - you don't have to change anything about your lifestyle to make it happen.  Maybe that will work for some people.  As I've stated before I am not a doctor, a nutritionist, a fitness trainer, or a health coach.  I have, however, discovered a few things so far on my journey.

I was not overweight because God had predetermined I would be.  I was not overweight because of a medical condition (some people have conditions that may contribute to obesity).  I was very clearly overweight as a result of the lifestyle I was living and the choices I made in what I ate and how active I was.

I am losing weight and losing it reasonably quickly but it is not because of a specialized diet, a pill, or the newest workout fad.  I am changing my lifestyle.  There are some specific things I do in this new lifestyle.  I find ways to be more active than I was before.  Sometimes that is as simple as parking farther away from the store so I have to walk farther to get there.  Or walking to and from work (I live close enough this is a reasonable option).  I have a gym membership I haven't used since the middle of May but it's there when I need a little more activity.  I've shopped around for better food.  I pay attention to what I eat and am consciously choosing foods with lower calories and lower sodium.  I've discovered just how bad some things were that I used to eat on a somewhat consistent basis and I rarely go after them.

I'm not on a journey to lose weight.  I'm on a journey to change my lifestyle and the weight loss is a side benefit of that new lifestyle.  I've heard, seen, and read stories of people who tried this fad or that fad and even some surgical options with the idea that they wouldn't need to change their lifestyle.  If you keep doing what you've always done, why in the world would you expect to get different results? 

If you want a lasting change in your life you'll need to change at least one contributing factor to your current status-quo.  That is the only way I see a lasting change happening.  If you're looking for answers and being shown a product or formula that doesn't require any changes in your lifestyle - I'd keep looking.  Getting a different result requires doing something different.  I'm living proof.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Fantasy to reality

A few days ago I crossed a significant threshold.  The first number on the scales changed from a 3 to a 2.  For the first time in at least 12 years I weigh less than 300 pounds.  That milestone is significant for a couple of reasons.

First, that was my goal for December 31 which puts me 4 months ahead of schedule.  Second, and I think much more important, it was a huge psychological moment for me.  One of my support team asked me if had ever dreamed of that moment.  While I had thought about it and what it might feel like I really didn't think I would achieve it when I started this journey.  Or maybe I did when I started but not before I had decided to make this journey.  Even putting down on paper that I was going to hit that goal I never really thought about what it would feel like or what a difference it would make to me.

I remember the time I realized I weighed over 300 pounds.  At some point I accepted that I was fat, was destined to be fat and that was how God created me.  Let's be clear - there are some people with medical conditions that make it difficult to maintain a healthy weight.  I, however, am not one of them, at least as far as I know.  Any tests I've had done have all come back normal.  There are plenty of physical reasons I've been overweight.  I ate too much and didn't get enough exercise.  I also ate the wrong things.  Those are physical reasons but all under my control.

I had accepted that it was my destiny to be physically unhealthy.  I don't accept that anymore.  I had accepted that I'd always be overweight, if not fat but I don't accept that anymore.  I had "dreamed" about being thin again - or at least getting back to my high school playing weight (not thin but solid) but they were more fantasies then goals.  They were in the realm of "that would be nice" or "I wish I could..." but never, "I'm going to do this" and "I'm on my way."

One of my dreams or fantasies has now become reality.  I'm more than halfway to my goal, I've dropped below the 300 pound barrier, I'm starting to see the light, and I'm on the journey.  I think the most important thing I've seen on this journey is that my thinking is changing.  It may not be totally there yet but it's coming.  I don't have to be unhealthy.  I was not destined to be in poor health.  Don't get me wrong - God is welcome to take me home anytime but God did not make me overweight - I did that totally on my own. 

My thinking is changing from "that would be nice" to "this is going to happen."  I can do it.  I've shown that so far and I will finish this race.  Not for my benefit alone but for God's glory who created me in His image for His glory.  I will finish because God is running with me.  I have lost 133 pounds in 8 months.  I will lose another 107.  I don't know how long it will take but I will get there.  Fantasy has become reality and will continue to be.

Less of me.  More of Him

-Eric

Inspiration

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains -
    Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth."
-Psalm 121:1-2

Since hitting the halfway point to my goal weight and losing 120 pounds in just over 7 months the natural way (diet and exercise) I've had a number of people comment whether in person or electronically about the inspiration that is to them.  So, I thought I'd write a little about my inspiration.

My inspiration first comes from the Lord.  Like any parent I know God wants only the best for me.  What the best is can sometimes be a question.  It doesn't mean what I think is best but what God knows is best.  But I do know the life I was living was not the best and the good choices I am making now are helping me to become better. 

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God with everything we have and secondly to love our neighbor as our self.  Over the past 20 years I haven't done well at loving myself which can be seen because I really haven't cared for myself.  So part of my inspiration is to love myself more because then I will be better able to love my neighbor and will potentially be around longer to love more neighbors.

I also receive inspiration from the results I am seeing - the results of making better choices and caring for myself more.  I can see tangible results in what I can do, how I fit into clothes and smaller spaces, and how I look.  I see intangible results in my confidence level to do and try things I didn't used to be able to do and in how I feel about myself.  Those results keep me motivated.

I have not watched for a while but today spent a couple hours watching The Biggest Loser re-runs and I realize how much inspiration I have received from the show.  I do believe the show is not about weight loss even though that is the measurement being used to show results.  The show is about life change and transformation.  That is what offered me inspiration in the beginning and I was reminded of that again today as I watched the show.

I also am inspired by others who have gone on this journey before me and the change that happened in their lives.  God created us to be in relationship with Him and others.  He created us for community and I believe one of the reasons for that is so we can encourage and support each other and that also means inspiring others from time to time.

I am just a man taking my life back and striving to make good choices so I can experience all that God has for me and I can be a part of His kingdom work for as long as He sees fit to keep me here.  And as I do that if God sees fit to use me to be an inspiration to someone else I'm okay with that and will do my best to live in such a way that is worthy of being that inspiration.  May all of us inspire each other be the people God created us to be.

Less of me.  More of Him.

- Eric

More little things

As I'm going on this journey I'm discovering that it really is the little things that matter most.  In the past 7 months I have not done a lot of celebrating of hitting milestones along the way.  While I realize it's important it really is the little things that are the most inspirational to me and I'm discovering the most important.

This week I've had several people approach me and ask me about my weight recognizing that I have lost a lot since they saw me last.  It's true - I have.  And I love talking about it.  It does give me a lot of joy.  But I'm also finding joy in the little things - things I didn't used to be able to do that most people who don't struggle with weight and even those who need to drop 20 or 30 or 50 pounds may never think about because they don't affect them.

I love getting into a vehicle and realizing I didn't put the steering wheel up all the way and it didn't matter.  I jumped in one of our trucks this week at work and for the first time in the 6 years I've been here my stomach didn't hit the steering wheel.  I sat in the sound booth on a stool facing forward instead of sideways and still had plenty of room between me and the board.  Little things make all the difference.

A few weeks ago I stepped on a chair to change a light bulb.  The bulb has been out for more than a year and I didn't trust my ability to get up on a chair - I was worried about the chair holding me but also about my ability to get on and off the chair without falling.  Little things matter.

I've bought almost all new clothes because the old ones are too big, not because anything has worn out or I wanted a new look.  I have a new look - thinner.  I bought some shorts in this last shipment of clothes - ones to wear in public, not just around the house.  Now I'm just looking for the courage and/or confidence to wear them in public.  Little things matter.

Walking forwards between rows of chairs instead of having to scoot sideways was a marvelous re-discovery.  Ending a day disappointed in the number of steps that must have been taken because my feet weren't sore and I really wasn't that tired and didn't think I had sweated a lot only to discover it was a 13,000+ step day.  Driving stakes into the ground with a sledgehammer and looking for more instead of someone to take over.  Little things make all the difference.

I'm discovering that it's the little things that are the motivation to keep going.  There's so many things I just adapted to that weren't meant to be.  Finding I don't have to stay at that place and keep doing those things the way I had adjusted to is self motivating.

I know I do need to celebrate the milestones.  And in the next few weeks I anticipate hitting a couple of big ones that will need to be celebrated.  But the reality is I'm no longer embarrassed to be in a picture or to see myself in a mirror.  My confidence is returning.  I am beginning to like myself again and feel good about who I am and who I am becoming.  And those things alone are reason to continue - one step, one block, one mile, one 5k, one 10k, and maybe more at a time.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Lifestyle change 2

This evening as I prepared to walk home from work I got a call and ended up having to do some extra things at work.  In the meantime it rained a little and thundered a bit.  Decision time - drive or walk home.

I had also gotten a package delivered today.  Some cereal I ordered.  It wasn't real big or that heavy.  In the past both of those would have been excuses to drive.  Today, I put my walking stick and water bottle in one hand, put the package under the other arm and took off for home.  I beat the rain but was drenched in sweat so I'm not sure it really mattered.  :)

Tomorrow I'm taking a musician we had in this weekend to the airport.  Tomorrow is my day off.  I could have arranged for someone else to take him and in the past may have done so.  But by not making those arrangements I will walk in to work, drive him to the airport, return the van and walk home.  So, while I am "working" on my day off I did just force myself to walk 1.5 miles in the process and that's more than I normally do on my day off.  The side benefit is I get to spend an hour with one of the Icons of Christian Music.

I find myself in the store naturally looking at the calories and nutrient facts on everything I pick up.  I used to just not care.  It does take longer to shop now - I don't just take the first thing I come to.  Compare, look for the best deal - and the price isn't what I'm looking at.  So much so that this week I spent more on groceries than I may have ever spent.  I also got more than usual but in the past I may have gone for lower price and not chosen based on nutrition facts.

Just a few more changes in my lifestyle and thinking that have gotten me this far and will take me further on my journey.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Lifestyle change 1

So this week I think I've had more conversations than usual about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it and what's working.  So, while I have shared a few thoughts before I thought maybe it was time to share a little more in depth.  Some of those conversations have had me talking a lot so I also thought I'd break it up into several posts instead of one really long one.

So, what am I doing?  How have I lost 109 pounds in 6.5 months?  I'm changing my lifestyle.  Here are a few ways.

I have built into my budget a gym membership.  I haven't been to the gym for over 2 months.  In my former life I would have seen that as wasted money.  But I don't anymore.  I spend $1000 a year on car and renter's insurance and hope I never use it.  But that's not wasted money.  So I spend a few dollars a month for a gym membership whether I use it or not - it's there when I need it.  I plan for it so it's not an extra expense.  It's as important to me to have in my budget as groceries.  It's just a part of how I live.

Most days I'm eating something 5 times a day.  Some days 4 and some days 6.  Three of those are meals and the others are snacks.  Most meals are 300-500 calories and most snacks 100-200 calories.  I eat less each time but I eat more often.  I am seldom hungry and almost never stuffed/bloated.  And for the times I get hungry I carry extra sugar free gum.  The five calories per stick is an easy way to take the edge off my hunger and because I eat every 2-3 hours it's not usually that long until it's time to eat.

I've replaced potato chips and candy with carrots and celery.  I drink water almost exclusively.  I used to buy 2 Liter bottles of soda and would often drink the entire bottle in one sitting while watching a movie.  Pizza and Chinese food were my "bad" meals of choice.  I haven't gone without.  Healthy Choice frozen dinners has a nice sweet and sour chicken meal at 420 calories and about 600mg of sodium.  Lean Cuisine makes some pizzas at 350 calories and weight watchers has mini pizzas (4 to a serving) at 270 calories.  I find those options to be very satisfying both in taste and in the amount of food I need.

As I see my weight going down I see my health and energy level improving and that gives me motivation to continue.  It's a privilege to know as well that people are benefiting from or getting inspiration or motivation from my journey.  But it is also God at work in me that is spurring me on.  It is for His glory and without His strength I would not be hitting the numbers I am hitting.

For His glory and His honor - that others too might run to freedom.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

How does it feel to lose 100 pounds?

On June 30 I stepped off the scales 100 pounds lighter than January 3.  I've had a couple weeks to reflect on what it means.  Or at least on how it feels.  I didn't want to simply duplicate a previous post (little things matter) but how it feels is most relatable in many of those practical terms so it might.

How does it feel to lose 100 pounds?  What does it mean to me?  It means I can now walk in between rows of chairs facing forward instead of sidestepping.  It means I can walk home from work in 10 minutes instead of 20.  It means I can walk up the steep driveway where I work and breathe a little heavy instead of gasping for air and when I get to the top I can recover normal breathing in seconds rather than minutes.

For the last couple years I've had fairly bad headaches 2-3 times/week.  I'd get them while sleeping and wake up in the morning and sometimes in the middle of the night barely able to stand the pain.  The window sill above my kitchen sink is almost full of empty bottles of headache relief tablets.  What has the journey meant?  I haven't had a headache in months.

Thursday night I walked downstairs to the laundry room in my building in shorts and a muscle shirt.  I've done that before but this time I didn't care if anyone saw me.  That's what it means to me to have lost 100 pounds.  I'm starting to see myself differently.  I'm starting to feel athletic again.  I don't know that I feel like an athlete yet but I see it on the horizon - not that I'll be a great athlete since I never was but just being confident enough to get out there and compete - the feelings are coming back. 

I realize I still have a long way to go to hit my goal weight.  I also realize I'm still overweight - likely still in the classification of obese.  However, I'm not seeing myself that way anymore.  I'm seeing a victor.  I'm seeing an athlete, a competitor.  I'm seeing a person on a journey that knows where the finish line is and how to get there and is confident that he can handle the obstacles that may come up along the way. 

What does it mean to lose 100 pounds?  To be ahead of schedule on both my target weights and the 100 pound challenge?  It means I like myself better than I used to.  It means I'm happier than I used to be.  It means I am becoming a new person - physically and, in my case, spiritually.  It means I'm seeing the promises of God in new ways and I'm seeing God's blessings come again and again.  It means I am truly becoming less and God is truly becoming more in my life.  It means I'm getting a new picture of who God created me to be and I'm becoming more and more of that man as I get out of God's way and let Him have His way in and through me.

What has it meant for me to lose 100 pounds?  It truly means...

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Independence Day

As we enter July 4th weekend here in the U.S. anyway it's appropriate to spend a little time thinking about freedom.  Freedom has many meanings and connotations and there are indeed many different types of freedom.  Today I'm not thinking so much about freedom in the political or nationalistic sense but more personal freedom.

Galatians 5:13 says "You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature.  Rather, serve one another humbly in love."  Humility and service then, are the greatest expressions of freedom.

In 2 Corinthians 3:17 Paul writes "Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."  This means we can be free regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

Freedom then is a way of life, not a status of being.  And there are moments that we experience freedom and then hopefully walk in that freedom.

When I was 16 I went through a period I'm sure was at least slight depression.  A member of my youth group had been killed in a car accident and I spent a couple months asking God how he could and why he would do that.  In May of that year I attended a Bible study with some friends and discovered there what I didn't see (not that it wasn't present - I just didn't see it) at my church - people excited about and enjoying their relationship with God.  I saw joy and peace and knew I didn't have it.  After attending a few times I went home one night and told God I wanted whatever it was they had.  It was my Independence Day.  The day I was set free from sin by entering into a relationship with Jesus Christ.

In college a few years later I had another Independence Day when God revealed to me that I was allowing some things from my past to control me and I was justifying my behavior by claiming "victim" status.  God showed me that while I can't control what happened to me, I can control how I respond to those situations and what I do with them from there.  Again, God's Spirit stepped in and set me free.  "For where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

I've had several of those Independence Days along the way - the most notable or most recent last December when I decided it was indeed time to embark on this Run 2 Freedom - this journey towards health and wholeness.  "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom."  The Spirit of the Lord is here and I am free.  I was set free from the bondage of using food as a crutch and emotional resource.  Food itself was not my bondage - it was how I used it and the role it played in my life.

I was set free back in December when the plan was made for this journey.  I was set free knowing I was going on this journey and the result would be health and wholeness and even a new spiritual awakening.  My Independence day came all the way back before I stepped on the scales because the decision had already been made.  I'm not totally free of all the issues that come with being obese.  I would still be classified as obese on all the charts I'm sure.  I can, however, claim my freedom and walk in it and it makes the journey so much easier because it's already done.  The victory is won and I simply have to remember that and tell my enemies and tempters that the game is already over and they have already lost.

One of my college profs told me of a time he was in a bus station late one night (2-3am) because of some delays and he was trying to sleep a little when two somewhat seedy looking characters walked up to him and said, "Hey Mister.  Hey Mister - are you saved?"  My prof nodded yes and thought they'd go back to sleep but they persisted.  "Are you saved?  When were you saved?  You have to know when you were saved!"  He sat up enough to get a better look at them and responded, "Yes I'm saved.  I was saved almost 2000 years ago."  The two characters' eyes got really big, their jaws dropped, they looked at each other and then walked quickly away.  The truth here is that our freedom was bought and paid for at Calvary.  At the time of Christ's sacrifice for the sin of all people, we were given freedom - we only need to accept it.

And then, as freed people, no longer under the burden of slavery or bondage, whether to people, food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, violence, shame, guilt, etc, we should live as servants, not for our own glory but for God's who gave us freedom.  It's not about us.  It's His story, being written on the hearts of people around the world so that all may know and so all may be free.

As we celebrate Independence Day let us remember we were called to be free and to use our freedom to humbly serve others.

Less of me.  More of Him.

Eric

Preparing for success

Yesterday was a rough day.  You would think it wouldn't have been but it was.  It was my first day off in a few weeks.  Or at least first day off in a few weeks that I didn't work.  Because of some things I was processing in my head it was a day that in the past I would have eaten.  I likely would have eaten a lot.  Eating was my drug of choice.  Its what I used for comfort, pleasure, and to escape.  And yesterday I did eat - more than I often do.  Or at least I was doing some "snacking" as I went throughout the day instead of sticking strictly to my meal times (which include snack times).

However, at the end of the day I entered all the foods eaten throughout the day and I was at approximately 1700 calories.  A year ago it probably would have been 7000.  Yesterday's sodium content was higher than I like - almost 3000 mg for the day.  A year ago it would probably have been 10,000mg. 

So what's the difference?  I'm sure there are a number of factors but here are a few.  In the past 6 months of this journey I've grown.  I've grown in maturity, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.  I've learned how the scales will respond if I have one of those 7,000 calorie and/or 10,000mg sodium days.  I'm learning how to handle my stress in healthier ways than before.  I'm growing in my ability to say no to immediate gratification for the rewards of delayed gratification - keeping the goal and big picture in front of me.  So, one factor is that I've grown.

Another factor is something that I laughed at when I saw it in both Weight Watchers and The Biggest Loser online Club.  Both of them said very early in the journey to clean out your refrigerator and cabinets and get rid of all the unhealthy foods and snacks.  I've done that.  I did that early.  And yesterday it paid off - because if the unhealthy snacks had been there, I would likely have eaten them.

A third factor is not something I planned initially - currently my car isn't running.  I didn't plan for my car to stop running but I have put off getting it fixed since it does force me to be more active - walking to work, etc.  Had it been running I may have gone for groceries yesterday (I could use a few but it's not a "need" yet) and that may have resulted in some junk food making it's way into the house.

Fourth - Having gone public with my journey I now know there are a lot of people out there watching me - some are cheering, supporting, and encouraging, some are receiving encouragement and inspiration, and some may just be watching - either to see me succeed or fail.  Regardless of the reason, I know many people are watching and that is built in accountability.  In addition to that I have a group of 5 people that asks me how I'm doing and keeps tabs on me. 

Fifth - success breeds success.  I woke up yesterday and got ready to weigh in.  I stepped on the scales 90.4 pounds lighter than I was on January 3.  And in the midst of the stress and the struggles going through my head I took a moment and said life is good.  I'm on my way even though I still have a long way to go.

So what made yesterday successful for me when in the past it would not have been?  It was the decisions made months ago to keep the food in my house healthy, to form a support team, to make my journey public so all can see, and choosing to be "inconvenienced" by a car that's not currently running.  It's also the realization of how far I've come and how far a junk food day would set me back.

So as you prepare for your next journey, whatever it is, I suggest you take some time to anticipate obstacles that may come and prepare for how to handle them or avoid them so they don't knock you off the path when you get to them.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

The Disciplined Life

So what does the disciplined life look like?  I'm still learning that and I think I have a long way to go.  But I wrote this back in January when I started this journey.  I can't honestly say I've achieved what I'm about to share with you but I am making strides to get there and anticipate arriving someday. 

I have a daily schedule.  The header reads, "Life Under Discipline."  The first page is the schedule.  The second page has some ideas and plans for how I'm going to live.  Today I simply want to focus on the first item on that second page.

"Meal times are sacred - not necessarily when they happen as there needs to be a little flexibility but they are sacred that they happen and how they happen.  Meal times will be intentional times of communion with God or personal development.  Eating has been both an escape and an afterthought.  Now it will be intentional and redeemed."

I admit I have a long way to go in this area.  But here are some things I think this means even though I haven't gotten there yet.  In my former life my kitchen table was a place to store things.  Meals were eaten in front of the TV or computer.  In my new life my kitchen table will be redeemed and become a place not only to eat but to commune with God.  It will become a holy space.  I have a table in my office - same concept - storage.  It too will become a place of development - spiritual, emotional, mental, physical.  I found as I entered the summer I started to skip meals again.  I bought a mini-fridge so I can keep the foods I need to eat in my office and have no excuse to skip a meal.

I have a meal plan - it doesn't yet include what I'm going to eat at every meal but it certainly could.  For me it's about making sure I eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack.  This keeps food digesting through most of the day and keeps my metabolism burning so it speeds up.  I spread my lower calorie count out over 5-6 meals a day.  By doing that I am seldom stuffed/bloated anymore and also seldom hungry.  I am learning to eat because it's time to refuel, not because I am or am not hungry.  And if I get hungry and it's not time to eat yet, I pop a 5 calorie piece of Extra Sugar Free gum to take the edge off my hunger.

So while I'm eating better I'm growing.  I'm learning.  I'm developing.  I'm becoming the man I was created to be and have longed for years to be.  Not for me but all for Him.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Undisciplined to Under Discipline

Summer is here and in my job that means longer days, more days, and busier days.  In the past with that kind of schedule it has been easy to skip meals and snack times.  I found myself even this last week sitting at my desk at 7pm feeling famished and realizing I hadn't eaten since breakfast. 

Early on in this journey I used a phrase that sticks with me and I'm learning to put it into practice more and more.  The phrase is Undisciplined to Under Discipline.  Most of my life I've lived in an undisciplined manner.  This can be seen in many areas of my life.  I was undisciplined in my finances, food choices, entertainment choices, and how I keep up my house, car and office.  So what does it mean to go from undisciplined to under discipline?  It might just mean I'm growing up.  At this point some of you may be thinking it's about time.  :)  And indeed you would be right.  It is.

So what's changing?  And how fast is it changing?  Over the last few years I've become much more disciplined in my finances and both my credit score and bank account reflect that.  Over the last number of years I've become more disciplined in my entertainment choices and my thinking reflects that.  Over the last few months I've become much more disciplined in my food choices and the scales reflects that.  I'm still working on these and other areas as well.  As the discipline increases, life does get better.  As the discipline increases, the tough times are easier to deal with.  As the discipline increases, temptations seem to be easier to resist.  And I believe there is a secret but it shouldn't be.  It should be broadcast to the rooftops so everyone can know.  And here it is.

It's not about becoming more disciplined.  I hear what many of you have said.  Way to go Eric.  You're doing so well.  You're making good choices.  You're taking charge.  You're changing your life.  Thank you - I appreciate those encouragements and while I believe all of those statements are true to a degree I want to share the Truth with you.

For me it's all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline.  I'm making good choices, taking charge and changing my life.  It's true, I am.  I admit that I have a problem with food and using food not as it's meant to be used.  It may even be an addiction.  I admit that I am powerless over this area of my life and am in need of a Higher Power to restore me to sanity.  I have changed my life and made some good choices recently, in this area of my life.  A choice to come under discipline.  I have turned my life over to Jesus Christ, my higher power, who created me to live an abundant life including being healthy and whole.  I am under His discipline.  I can't do it on my own. 

I'm making good choices and taking charge?  Yes I am.  I have submitted myself to a team of people and in that submission agreed to be under their discipline as needed.  I know I can't do it on my own.  I need to be under discipline - God's discipline as He directs me both personally and through a small group of people who have committed to being key components on this journey with me.  The changes in my life are all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline and yielding control instead of taking it.

Less of me.  More of Him.

- Eric

Mayo

This past winter when I started on my journey I started looking at labels more closely, primarily the nutritional information.  Because of that I switched to using Ketchup (15-20 calories/tbsp) instead of mayo (90-100 calories/tbsp).  I know - mustard is the best option nutritionally but I just can't get myself to eat it yet.  :)  Times where I have ordered mayo it's in very minimal amounts and is usually at a Subway or sandwich shop.  I haven't purchased any since starting this journey.

One thing I didn't read on the mayo bottle that I had was the little part on the back corner that said, "Do not freeze."  I know, you're wondering who in their right mind freezes mayo.  I don't know.  And I didn't do it on purpose.  I was bringing some things in from the car last winder and not able to get everything so I left a bag of things in the car including a bottle of mayonnaise.  I figured it would be all right for a while since it was cold so I wasn't worried about it.  Well, it was really cold.  When I missed it, I went out to get it and brought it in.  Here is what I found:

I let it warm up in the house for a while and then shook it with everything I had to get it to go back together but it wouldn't.  Then I started looking at it and thinking about what I had been eating.  The "spread" part was the little portion at the bottom and all the rest was oil.  Unfortunately, not a good oil either.  I was glad I was already deciding to not eat mayo but here was another reason.  I realize a different brand may be better, use a better oil, etc but the thought of putting this in my system was not something I wanted and has reinforced for my the value of my decision to stop eating this product in favor of some healthier options.

So today's info - not so spiritual but potentially eye opening.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

The secret is out.

Many of us that struggle with weight also struggle with guilt and shame.  Not the healthy guilt that leads to repentance and change but a deep nagging idea that somehow we are a bad person.  Many times we bury this shame deep down and sometimes even eat to not deal with it.  We choose food like others may choose alcohol or other substances to give us comfort and hide from our reality.  We bury even the symptoms sometimes and definitely do not seek to cure or treat the actual problem.  When we make a bad choice we don't say, that was a bad choice; we say, I'm a bad person.  And the shame builds.  We hide and hope our secrets are not found out.

This morning, I stood before maybe 100 people that stayed to hear the presentation that was made.  Now I'm writing to the 900 or so people that have read my blog and the masses that may read it in the future.  I have been waiting for this moment but dreading it at the same time.  But I know the Truth and I know the Truth will indeed set me free.

For several years, probably at least 4, I have intentionally weighed over 400 pounds.  I say intentionally because I never accidentally ate anything.  Did I want to weigh that much?  No.  Did I think I did?  No.  Until that dreaded moment when I step on the scales and see the number.  Even when I was over I didn't know what the number was, only that I was over.  It's time for the truth.  It's time to put the numbers out there.  It's time to be set free!

On January 3, 2011 I stepped on my scales and saw a number that shocked me.  I weighed 430 pounds.  I was 10 pounds over my estimate of where I'd be.  I decided at that time to not change my target or my target date - I simply added 5 pounds to two of the early months where I was going to lose 10 and then knew I needed to lose 15.

On May 22, 2011 I stepped on the scales again.  I weighed 355.2 pounds.  Go to my 100 pound challenge page and you can see a picture of the readout.  This morning I stepped on the scales again and weighed in at 347.8.  Since January 3, I have lost 82.2 pounds.    I am 1/3 of the way to my goal.  My energy level is up.  I feel good.  I'm looking better.  I'm wearing smaller clothes.  I'm happy in the journey knowing there is still a long ways to go.

My goal is 190 pounds.  My target date is May 19, 2013.  I will have lost 240 pounds, more than I will weigh.

I know the next 82 will be harder than the first 82 and I know the last 82 will be the hardest of all.  But the journey is worth it.  I was told a few minutes ago, I'll be a new man and indeed I will.

So, my secret is out.  The numbers are out on the public stage for all to see.  I admit that my life has become unmanageable.  I submit my life to a higher power, God, creator of the universe, to restore my sanity and to remove my shame.

"Into Marvelous Light I'm running.  Out of darkness, out of shame.  By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way." - Charlie Hall

Less of me.  More of Him.

Eric

Little things matter

It's been a few days and a few pounds since I've written.  This past weekend I had two 12,000 plus step days in a row.  I'm excited to get that kind of activity in and see the results.  I was also excited to have a "slow" day today to recuperate.

One thing I am noticing - even with the big dreams and goals still out there in front of me.  It's the little things and little differences I can see on a daily basis that are the most important in keeping me going.  You may notice a couple of things from my goal list from a couple posts ago - Why. 

I sit in my car and the steering wheel doesn't touch my stomach anymore.  Not only does it not touch but as I'm sitting there I'm thinking it's getting harder to see the bottom of the dash lights and I should probably lower the steering wheel a notch.  Little things matter.

I get in a mini van at work and the steering wheel no longer hits my stomach and I see a difference.  I get in a week later and it's very tight and I can't believe it.  Then I realize the seat is forward a notch.  Three months ago I would never have gotten in with the seat in that position.  Little things matter.

I see a piece of trash on the ground.  I lean over and pick it up without thinking and then I realize how easy it was to reach my hand to the ground and how long it's been that it wasn't that easy.  Little things matter.

I sit on a two person couch and don't worry about whether or not someone will sit beside me because I'm afraid I take up too much space.  I put on a shirt or a pair of pants and have to choose again because it doesn't fit - but this time it's too big instead of too small.  Little things matter. 

Every additional step and additional pound I hear someone else say way to go.  You can do it.  I'm proud of you.  Keep it up.  Little things matter

I see a long road stretched out in front of me but it's not as long as it used to be.  I look behind and see a road fading into the shadows and out of sight.  I'm not where I used to be.  And because of the little things that have kept me going and keep me going on a daily basis I can see farther, dream more, and step out faster and with more confidence knowing that I can complete the journey, one little step at a time.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Blow Out

In the last few months I've heard from a number of you that are reading my blog or watching my progress on facebook.  I appreciate your encouragement and support as well as the accountability of knowing there is a group of people watching to see what happens.  Some of you have shared how my journey or at least my sharing my journey publicly like this has encouraged and/or inspired you.  I am happy to be able to do that.  It is how I want to live my life.  However, I also want you to know that not every step of my journey gets shared on a daily basis.  I have a support team that gets the detail and to the general public I share more of the success and the things I'm learning.

John Maxwell wrote a book a while back called Failing Forward.  I actually received my copy of this book as a gift from a person who had not always been overly supportive of me.  However, the intent of the gift and of the book was to encourage an approach to life that recognizes "failure" as a part of life's teaching plan.

So, today I want to tell you about my last 10 days.  I often take time around my birthday to reflect on my life and take stock of what I have and what I've done.  In many ways I know this is a relatively futile exercise because how do I know the "success" I may have or not have had?  The only real measuring tools available to me are the world's tools but that's not the right way to measure success in God's economy.  Combine in the same weekend that sort of processing and mother's day which this year at least served to remind me of how I often felt I didn't measure up to my mom's expectations.  I don't believe this was true - it's just how I felt.  Putting those two things together while away from home and the healthy food at my house and I reverted back to old ways of dealing with emotions I didn't want to deal with - I ate.

I still tracked my calories and two of three days was under my calorie burn slightly - 200 or 300 calories under instead of my usual 2000+.  The deadly ingredient on that particular weekend was sodium.  My doctor has suggested that I try to be under 2000mg of sodium per day.  While I certainly don't hit that every day I'm usually relatively close.  However, the weekend of May 6-8 I was over 10,000 mg a day.  For those that don't know, high levels of sodium cause the body to retain water and that adds on weight. 

On Friday, the morning of my birthday, I was able to celebrate because I had reached the 70 pound mark of weight lost.  By the next Monday I had gained 14 back.  Now, I knew that most, if not all that weight was water weight based on what I had eaten and I have learned how to take off weight - especially water weight.  There are a few important things but one of the most important is sweat!  So I did.  God also blessed me by allowing my car not to start for a few days which increased my activity level considerably as I walked back and forth to work.  In addition to that eating the right things again including a low sodium intake and drinking lots of water combined with sweating salt away and the pounds came off.  One week later I'm back to 70 pounds off again. 

So, for those of you watching to see how I do, and how I handle it when I don't do so well - here was a potential setback.  I was disappointed in myself and I could have eaten more.  I was down a few days but was eating what I had after I got home - and what I had was healthy.  I do have to point out here that it is my support team who helped pick me up in this moment even by pointing out decisions made along the way and how they had prepared me for this time.

In January and February as I was beginning this process I put together a support team that I share my victories and losses with.  One of them pointed out to me that I had planned (unknowingly) for this setback moment months earlier by putting a team around me who will ask how I'm doing if they don't hear for a day or two.  They will encourage and support and cheer me on, even when I take a step back.  Another one pointed out the potential lesson of God's grace in this time.  Gaining 14 pounds in a weekend offset several weeks of hard work and I knew it had the potential to be devastating for my journey.  But God was gracious to have surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses that are here to run the race with me.  God was gracious in that He created my body to respond quickly and correctly when the healthy habits took over the bad ones again.  He was gracious to maybe knock off a few pounds (or sweat off) that I didn't earn calorie wise this week and allow me to be back on track after only a week rather than needing weeks to correct the mistake.

I was driving a 15 passenger van this evening and hit a pothole.  Afterwards I heard a rattle and wondered if I had blown out a tire.  But I've had a lot of driving experience and good teachers and the van didn't react as one would if there had been a blowout.  We have blowout's in life too and I had one just over a week ago.  But as I've learned how to both recognize and handle a blowout of a tire on a vehicle, I've also learned to recognize blowouts in life and am learning how to handle them.  God is in the middle of those times saying I'm here.  God is in the middle of those blowouts to help us control the vehicle and sometimes to take the controls himself and get us back on track.  God uses people and situations in our life to help make that happen.  God is in the friendships and community He has put us in.  God is extending grace in the middle of those blowouts that could end up a major accident and helping us to experience only a slight delay.

Today I wanted to share a moment of weakness lest you think I have it all together.  And I want to be clear that if you are seeing strength in me and my journey you are seeing the God who gives me strength in my weakness.  You are seeing the God who is my higher power, my redeemer, my healer, and my friend.  You are seeing the Jesus who lives inside of me.  And my desire for this journey and for the rest of my life is that you will see...

Less of me, more of Him.

Eric

Contentment

I've had a nagging thought since late yesterday afternoon.  I think it was initiated in my birthday reflections of the past week.  Yes, I turned over another year.  Physically, I'm probably younger than a year ago because I'm healthier but that's a different entry.  Often around my birthday my thoughts turn to what I've done or accomplished in life, what I've gained, what I have, etc. in a seeming attempt to measure if my life has indeed been worthwhile.

The thought that has been nagging me is what does it mean to be content?  The apostle Paul says he learned to be content in any and all situations.  I've wondered how he did that at various times in my life. 

What hit me yesterday was that if I am truly content in my relationship with God than that is enough.  If I am content with my relationship with God than my financial status doesn't matter. (I believe debt free is God's plan but if I'm not it doesn't affect who I am if I'm content in my relationship with God.)  If I'm content in my relationship with God then my amount of influence, fame, recognition, and power do not determine who I am.

And if I'm still seeking after financial stability, fame, power, etc in order to define who I am, am I truly surrendered to God?  If I'm measuring my success or how worthwhile my life has been based on the world's standards, am I completely surrendered to God?

When I am surrendered to God I am content.  I'm not content because of my status or what is currently happening in my life.  I am content because I am His child and I am deeply and unconditionally loved by my "Abba Father."

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Why?

Good morning world.  This morning I am 70 pounds lighter than I was on January 3rd.  I am ahead of my planned schedule.  I'm not changing my schedule because I know the last pounds are harder than the first ones. 
Today I want to basically make a list.  A friend of mine asked me early in the process why I wanted to do this - to go on this journey.  Below are some of the reasons.  This is a list of both reasons why and things I want to be able to do or ways I want to live.  For those of you who have never struggled with your weight or your struggle has been 20 extra pounds many of these things may be things you've never thought about but they are things that at least I always have in the back of my mind.

1. I want to be able to walk up a couple flights of stairs and not be breathing heavier
2. I want to adjust the seat of my car according to leg room and comfort rather than belly room
3. I don't want to limit myself to cars with an adjustable steering wheel because I need it the highest to get in and out. (Side note - it's about time to move mine down a notch)
4. I want to be able to stay at a friends house without worrying about the type of bed I'm sleeping in and whether or not it will hold me.
5. I want to climb Spruce Mountain
6. I want to "save" or help as many people as I can find freedom (from whatever they need freedom from) and I will live longer and be able to relate to more people if I complete this journey.
7. Air travel
     a) I want to not have to use a seat belt extension on an airplane
     b) I don't want to be embarrassed by my size if another person has to sit beside me
     c) I don't want to be the "fat guy" passengers say made their flight uncomfortable when they get to their destination
     d) I want to be able to put my tray table down in front of me comfortably.
8. I don't want my weight to be a reason for my decisions (what chair to sit in, what activities to do, etc.)
9. Go down Spruce Lake's Zip Line
10. Be happy with how I look and feel
11. Buy clothes from a regular department store instead of a big and tall store (or big and tall section)
12. Buy clothes that don't need to be altered
13. I want to not have any questions about whether or not I should qualify for health or life insurance
14. I want to be able to lift what I should be able to lift, carry what I should be able to carry, etc without having to take a break or get help (this one is a little vague I know).
15. I want to walk into a room and turn heads, not because of my size but because of my incredible fashion sense. : )
16. I want to "rock" some songs in a worship or concert setting and not be out of breath
17. Shovel out my car in the winter without having to take a break

There are a few things I want to do in the process of getting to my goal weight or after I get there as well.  A few of them are above but here are a few more...

1. Complete a 5k race
2. Run a 5k race
3. Run "the hill" at Camp Hebron (it killed me this march when I walked it a couple times a day but I lost 11 pounds that week so I'm not complaining - I just want to conquer it)
4. Be a coach (officially or unofficially) to help others hit their goals and dreams
5. Run a 12:43 two mile run (something my high school soccer coach asked for every season and I was never able to do)
6. And in the back of my mind there are thoughts of 1/2 marathons, marathons, and triathlons but so far they are only in the back of my mind.

I've been encouraged to review my list and see what common themes are there as well as to see if there is a spiritual component or theme running through some or all of the list.  Those reflections are for a later post. 

For now, my summary is, I want to be happy, healthy, and live the abundant life God desires all his children to have.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Pressure and rest.

If you are a student of weight loss and/or watch The Biggest Loser with any regularity you've probably seen comments and discussion on how stress and rest affect weight loss.

This week I've struggled because I felt like maybe I was plateauing a bit.  Calories and activity level were good but the scales didn't show what I wanted it to.

This weekend was fairly active but I still didn't see any movement on the scales.  Generally the lowest weight of the day is seen in the morning.  The weekend was the first event we'd run in a while and we don't have our summer staff in yet so it makes the hours longer and for me the stress higher.  My quality of sleep was pretty decent but the quantity wasn't great.

This afternoon I came home, took a three hour nap, woke up refreshed and less stressed because of the event being over.

The results?  The event went fairly well and the numbers were lower this evening than this morning. 

So I can see that it appears to be true for me.  Well rested and free of pressure and stress and the numbers on the scale go down.  So then the question is, how do I live intentionally in a way that creates that type of atmosphere all the time?  Today's post is simply a question.  I'm hoping answers show up in posts to come.

So for today, a reminder I'm still on the journey.  Here's to stress free restful days and rolling back numbers as we go along.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric
Eric

And then came today.

"Comforted by the warmth of the fire and the familiar company and a presence they all feel but can't quite explain they wait out the night mostly in silent reflection on their own thoughts.  Where do we go from here?  What happens now?  Some may even drift off to a troubled sleep.  Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow..."

As the darkness begins to fade, those who were awake all night slowly pull themselves out of their own thoughts and look to the group.  The fire is built back up.  Several people scrounge for breakfast.  Those who were sleeping are starting to come out of their troubled sleep.  The line between sleep and awake not yet clearly crossed.

And then the footsteps.  Some one running towards them.  Some one shouting.  The disciples look at each other, unsure what to do.  Should they hide?  Should they run?  But at this point, tired and on the verge of despair, they gather around the fire and wait.  And then she comes.

Mary Magdalene.  Running.  Yelling.  Frantically trying to communicate while gasping for air.  As she gets her breath the story unfolds.  Tomb.  Anointing.  Empty grave.  Body gone.  Angels.  Alive?  I saw him.  He called my name.

And Peter and John are racing towards the tomb.  It couldn't be.  She's gone crazy from the shock of his death.  And there it is.  The stone rolled away.  The grave is empty.  A glimpse of hope.  Looking for a logical explanation.

Peter and John.  Do you remember...?  He said...  I thought...  Could he have meant?   What would it mean?  We saw him raise others from the dead.  Yeah, but I...  Is it possible?

"He is Risen, He's Alive.
No grave could keep Him down.
He is Risen, He's alive.
He's no longer in the ground.
Don't you remember what He told you,
The Son of Man must die.
And in three days He'll rise again
He is Risen, He's Alive.
HE IS RISEN!  HE'S ALIVE!"*

- From the song, "He's Alive" by Eric Horst.  Copyright, 2000
Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

It was a dark and stormy night...

It was a cold and rainy night.  At least that's how I usually picture it.  The disciples, at a loss for words and hope start come looking for something familiar.  One at a time they come from wherever they went to hide and they return to a place they had gathered many times with Him.  No words are spoken.  Some have makeshift coverings to keep out of the rain.  Others aren't even aware enough to care.  But they come, seeking something they have known, seeking some kind of comfort, seeking community.

Their world has been shattered.  Their lives forever changed.  Their hope and excitement has been stolen.  Their leader/teacher/mentor, the Messiah, is dead.  They barely exist in this moment.  They've given up jobs, families, futures, and security.  And now what?  Will they have to return to their families ashamed but admitting they were wrong?  How will they live?  Better yet, what will they live for?  It's a cold, dark, and stormy night, even in the spiritual realm, and everyone can feel it.

I imagine sometimes what that night must have been, or at least may have been like.  As several have gathered and others begin to show someone starts a fire and the all huddle close to get a little warmth.  As more join the circle around the little fire I can hear the beginnings of sentences, many of which are never finished.  Do you remember the time...  Yeah but...  What do you think...  What are you going to do now?  Where are you going to go?  I remember...  I thought...  I was...  Wasn't he... He could have...

And silence.  Comforted by the warmth of the fire and the familiar company and a presence they all feel but can't quite explain they wait out the night mostly in silent reflection on their own thoughts.  Where do we go from here?  What happens now?  Some may even drift off to a troubled sleep.  Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow...


Less of me, more of Him,
Eric

In my former life

Many times growth is seen by others before ourselves.  And often, it's recognized first by those around us everyday because it's been a gradual happening so those closest to us don't see it as quickly as someone at a distance that when they do see us, see a dramatic change.  I think this is true physically but is also true spiritually. 

My brother, Doug, pointed something out to me this week from a post to my support team for my journey.  I received a fairly negative comment on an evaluation this week and all evaluations get sent out to all the leadership and department heads where I work.  Negativity towards me has always been one of my triggers to send me into an eating binge.

After seeing the comment I finished up some work, went home, had a "normal" supper and went about my evening activities.  The only time I thought about pizza and chips or other junk food (Not saying pizza and chips can't be done in a healthy balanced way - that just wasn't my style) was when I thought, "wow - in the past I would have ended up eating 4-5 slices of pizza, an entire bag of chips, and probably some other junk food tonight."  There was no thought to do that going on in my head.  No battle to fight on that night anyway.

So I look back on the journey and see that more has happened than losing 60 pounds so far.  I am becoming a new and healthier man - physically and emotionally.

"If anyone is in Christ there is a new creation.  The old has gone, the new has come." - 2Corinthians 5:17

May this be a daily reality for all of us.  Today I place myself in Christ's hands to hold and to guide.  In doing so I become new again - closer to Him and healthier than yesterday. 

Less of me.  More of Him.

Eric

Do the work

Have you ever prayed for something hard?  I mean, something nearly impossible?  Or at least that you thought was impossible?  Have you wondered why God hasn't answered?  I mean if God really loved us he'd take care of that need, right?  He'd take away the problem we're faced with?  He'd miraculously change what needed changing so that all would be right with our life?

I've prayed that prayer.  I can't say how many times I cried myself to sleep or stood looking in a mirror ashamed of what I had become and crying out to God to fix it.  I was tired of being overweight, I was disgusted with how I looked, I was mad at myself when I wasn't able to do things that I should have been able to do.  And where was God?  Where was God in my moments of deepest anguish?  Why wasn't God listening?  Why wasn't he answering and giving me the "desires of my heart" as he was supposed to do?

Where was God?  He was standing with me.  Holding me sometimes.  Graciously helping me drift off to sleep to temporarily relieve my anguish.  Where was God?  Waiting.  Waiting for me to do my part.  Waiting for me to want the life change badly enough that I'd get off my butt and get to work.

In 1 Peter 1:6-7 Peter says that these "trials" which you have had to endure for a while and the grief you've suffered as a result have come so that your faith which is more valuable than gold, may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus is revealed.  Gold - the standard by which all currencies are measured - will perish even though refined by fire.  Our faith is more valuable than gold.  Our faith will also be refined.  Our faith will draw us closer to Jesus as the fire burns away the imperfections and flaws.

Where was my miracle?  Why didn't God help me lose weight?  I wasn't looking for God to help me - I was only looking for God to do it.  When I started acting like I wanted God to help me, he has.  Where is the miracle?  The miracle is that God created my body to be healthy and in a few short months the damage I caused is being changed because of the work God and I are doing together on the body and the systems that God designed to respond well to healthy choices?

Where is the miracle?  The miracle is in the week that mathematically I should have lost 7 pounds I lost 11.  Where is God?  He's walking beside me every day as I walk the exterior circle drive at Spruce Lake.  He's spotting me as I lift weights in the gym.  He's granting me rest.  He created my body to respond to exercise.  He has surrounded me with people to run the race with me.  Where is God?  Pacing me every step so I finish well.  Where is God?  Holding the finish line each day as I achieve a new milestone.  Where is God?  Cheering and encouraging as I run.

God's grace has always been free.  God's gift of salvation requires only our acceptance of the gift.  God desires more for us than we can possible imagine.  Like any father He wants to give us the best of everything.  Like any good father he knows that some of those blessings take work.  He doesn't spoil us but wants us to experience the joy of working with him and drawing close to him.  He shows us areas of our life that need cleaning and with a smile on his face he holds out the broom and waits.

So where was God in my years of anguish?  Waiting with his running shoes on and a smile on his face holding out the baton to me.  I finally saw clearly to grab the baton and make a clean exchange.  It's a joy to be running this race to freedom with God who daily is there to encourage, support, cheer, and sometimes, as all good coaches do, even kick my butt.

So that all glory may be given to Him - the creator of all things and the creator of me when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Less of me - more of Him.
Eric

Know your weakness ... and make a plan

Last week I was on vacation.  As I stated in my last blog vacations have been one of my points of weakness in past years when it comes to being healthy.  So, in order to ensure this vacation had different results than previous ones I came up with a plan and worked my plan.

For any of us that have addictions or habits that have been habits for a long time we are trying to overcome accountability is a key.  So my plan for this week included accountability.  While I have a support team that I share details of my journey with I wanted a broader accountability for this trip.  So, I ran a contest on my facebook page asking my friends to guess how much weight I would lose while on vacation.  The winner of the contest gets dinner with me at a time we coordinate but it will also serve as a celebration of hitting one of my next milestones on this journey.  One dinner to accomplish two things.  Good plan.  And well worth it.

In addition to that I planned my food.  I new what I wanted to do for breakfast - see my vacation blog for the menu.  I also knew I wanted to stick with what was working so I bought the amount of food I needed to cover every meal.  One of my weaknesses is pizza - especially when on the road and I can have it delivered.  So, I made sure to get some weight watchers and Lean Cuisine pizzas so I still had one of my favorite foods - just at a lot less calories and sodium than in the past.

I'm only speculating on some things I've learned the last few months but my guess is that my vacation last fall I averaged 3000-4000 calories consumed per day and 4000+ mg of sodium.  No wonder I gain 10 pounds when on vacation.  This vacation I averaged 1100-1200 calories per day and close to the 2000 mg of sodium my doctor says I should be at.  That's success.

So, whatever addiction or habit you are trying to overcome.  Know your weakness.  Know what triggers you to make bad choices.  Avoid those situations.  Find a way around them.  Seek out accountability.  Be creative.  Make a plan and follow it.  If you need to change a pattern of life or a routine - do it. 

And my last thought for today that just came to me as I was writing.  Whatever you seek to hide or do in private that is a problem area - bring into the light.  It's not a new thought.  If your computer time is a problem and you hide in your office when using the computer - move the computer to the living room.  Going back to my pizza example.  It's okay for me to eat pizza occasionally.  When I eat pizza with people - I keep myself to one or two slices - a healthy amount.  When I eat pizza alone - I may eat the whole pizza.  Solution for me - only eat pizza when I'm with people.

Blessings on your journey.  May you find ways to acknowledge your weakness and overcome it - for your benefit and God's glory.

Less of me, more of Him.
Eric

Vacation

For the past week I've been on vacation.  In my former life vacations meant sitting around, watching a lot of TV, eating what I wanted, and very little movement.  I often cooked but my food choices were either fried or heavily breaded.  My snacks included chips and cookies.  My drinks were mostly soda.  I actually bought into the notion that most of us have laughed about at one time or another that because of a certain situation (birthday, anniversary, or in this case vacation) the calories didn't count.  It wasn't that I believed the calories didn't count - I simply justified not caring because I was on vacation and I could be healthy when I got home.

I know that success on the journey requires a lifestyle change.  I also know that most of the time change is a process.  And I know the calories always count.  I generally vacation at Resorts with a kitchen so I can take care of my own food but often I order in or go out to eat several times while there.  I also have often bought way more food than I needed - mostly because I didn't plan well what I was going to eat or I planned more than what I actually ate.

This week's vacation was mostly about food.  I did do some intentional things to get me to move more.  But my activity level has been significantly lower than my normal daily activity level.  But I was focused on food.  I didn't even trust myself to cook very much.  But here were the changes. 

My snacks were 100 calorie snack bars and Yoplait Light yogurt.  I've had nothing but water and lots of it to drink.  My lunches and suppers were either weight watchers or lean cuisine meals with a bowl of lightlife veggie chili as the exception.  Apples and lettuce complemented several of my meals.  For breakfast each morning I had an egg sandwich made with a large brown organic egg, 2-3 slices of deli sliced turkey breast, and a slice of american flavored veggie cheese on a toasted double fiber honey wheat English Muffin.  Are you hungry yet? :) This sandwich was approximately 260 calories.  Most mornings I added a banana to fill out my breakfast.

I posted a contest on facebook this week with a good number of people responding with guesses as to how much weight I would lose this week.  I didn't bring a scales so I'll be surprised with everyone else.  Based on my activity level I wouldn't have thought I'd lose weight.  However, I've maintained a good calorie deficit every day so mathematically I should be okay. 

But here is the secret to this weeks vacation.  My guess is in past vacations I've added on 10 lbs in the week I was gone.  Granted, I ate a lot of high sodium meals and drank very little water which means I added water weight so some of those 10 lbs may have come off after a couple good days at home.  So what does success this week look like?  Success is living my week differently and healthier.  That has been accomplished.  Success this week is a 0 on the scale because it's way better than I've done before.  I'll be happy with losing 2 pounds - my goal every week at this point on my journey.  Anything more is a bonus.

This week I ate right, I increased my activity level from previous years, and I look forward to seeing how the scales will reflect that.  But because weight loss is not totally mathematical I will claim success regardless of what the scales shows because I know I did well.

So what have I learned?  With God's help I can do this, especially when I focus on the small steps needed today rather than only being focused on the end goal and allowing that to overwhelm me.

Here's to success, one step, one day at a time.

Less of me, more of Him,
Eric