Defeats

This morning I shared my story with some friends at our Winter Retreat here at Spruce Lake.  This was the first time since we started doing presentations like this last May that I weighted more than the last presentation we made.  I didn't weigh a lot more but it was a little.

Last time I talked about victories.  Today I want to talk about defeats and today felt a little like one.  I do want to be careful not to beat myself up as I've still lost over 150 pounds and am in much better shape and much healthier than I was a year ago.  However, I think at times it is important to look at the times when we fall down - not to dwell on the defeat but to assess the reason for it and see if we can learn from those times.  So here are few of mine from the last year...

Mother's Day weekend - this was my first big blowout of the year.  In 2011 it was also my birthday.  I tend to reflect back around my birthday and use that time as a time to evaluate life.  I've done this in the past but I was having a lot of questions about whether my life has really made a difference or had an impact and wondering what legacy I am leaving behind.  Combining this with Mother's Day as I reflected on my relationship with my mom who passed away in 2006 and how much I know she wanted me to be healthy and while she'd be happy for me now I never received her attempts to help me very well.  All of these reflections were connecting with my self worth and seeing myself as a failure so I physically acted (ate) to "demonstrate" how I was feeling about myself.  My first big blowout.  A week later I had lost all I gained that weekend.

This fall there have been a number of defeats - they usually involve food choices more than exercise.  I was finding sticking to my schedule a little difficult but have starting meeting someone in the mornings and that has been a huge help to getting to the gym.  I am trying to track when I eat and why so and I know that eating has often been my response to being angry, frustrated, and/or lonely.  Today I weigh almost exactly what did 2.5 months ago so the last couple of months have had a lot of ups and downs but overall have stayed the same.  There has been more stress than previous years during this off season.  I've also been doing more analysis of life.  I think both of these have led to a stronger desire to eat.  Sometimes I'm able to control those desires and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes when I do eat I'm also able to keep myself eating healthy options so my snacking is still healthier than it used to be.  While that's better it still hasn't dealt with the root issue which is what I want and need to do.

So as I'm thinking about defeats I know I need to find a way to deal with life in a healthy manner so there are less "defeats."  I think I also need to see these defeats not as defeats or setbacks but part of a healthy lifestyle and journey that will always include hills to go up and down.

In the victories, in the defeats, and all along the journey God is still there, walking beside me, eating with me, and enjoying life together with me.  I am thankful for His presence, grace, counsel and support as He runs beside me on this road to freedom.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric