Mayo

This past winter when I started on my journey I started looking at labels more closely, primarily the nutritional information.  Because of that I switched to using Ketchup (15-20 calories/tbsp) instead of mayo (90-100 calories/tbsp).  I know - mustard is the best option nutritionally but I just can't get myself to eat it yet.  :)  Times where I have ordered mayo it's in very minimal amounts and is usually at a Subway or sandwich shop.  I haven't purchased any since starting this journey.

One thing I didn't read on the mayo bottle that I had was the little part on the back corner that said, "Do not freeze."  I know, you're wondering who in their right mind freezes mayo.  I don't know.  And I didn't do it on purpose.  I was bringing some things in from the car last winder and not able to get everything so I left a bag of things in the car including a bottle of mayonnaise.  I figured it would be all right for a while since it was cold so I wasn't worried about it.  Well, it was really cold.  When I missed it, I went out to get it and brought it in.  Here is what I found:

I let it warm up in the house for a while and then shook it with everything I had to get it to go back together but it wouldn't.  Then I started looking at it and thinking about what I had been eating.  The "spread" part was the little portion at the bottom and all the rest was oil.  Unfortunately, not a good oil either.  I was glad I was already deciding to not eat mayo but here was another reason.  I realize a different brand may be better, use a better oil, etc but the thought of putting this in my system was not something I wanted and has reinforced for my the value of my decision to stop eating this product in favor of some healthier options.

So today's info - not so spiritual but potentially eye opening.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

The secret is out.

Many of us that struggle with weight also struggle with guilt and shame.  Not the healthy guilt that leads to repentance and change but a deep nagging idea that somehow we are a bad person.  Many times we bury this shame deep down and sometimes even eat to not deal with it.  We choose food like others may choose alcohol or other substances to give us comfort and hide from our reality.  We bury even the symptoms sometimes and definitely do not seek to cure or treat the actual problem.  When we make a bad choice we don't say, that was a bad choice; we say, I'm a bad person.  And the shame builds.  We hide and hope our secrets are not found out.

This morning, I stood before maybe 100 people that stayed to hear the presentation that was made.  Now I'm writing to the 900 or so people that have read my blog and the masses that may read it in the future.  I have been waiting for this moment but dreading it at the same time.  But I know the Truth and I know the Truth will indeed set me free.

For several years, probably at least 4, I have intentionally weighed over 400 pounds.  I say intentionally because I never accidentally ate anything.  Did I want to weigh that much?  No.  Did I think I did?  No.  Until that dreaded moment when I step on the scales and see the number.  Even when I was over I didn't know what the number was, only that I was over.  It's time for the truth.  It's time to put the numbers out there.  It's time to be set free!

On January 3, 2011 I stepped on my scales and saw a number that shocked me.  I weighed 430 pounds.  I was 10 pounds over my estimate of where I'd be.  I decided at that time to not change my target or my target date - I simply added 5 pounds to two of the early months where I was going to lose 10 and then knew I needed to lose 15.

On May 22, 2011 I stepped on the scales again.  I weighed 355.2 pounds.  Go to my 100 pound challenge page and you can see a picture of the readout.  This morning I stepped on the scales again and weighed in at 347.8.  Since January 3, I have lost 82.2 pounds.    I am 1/3 of the way to my goal.  My energy level is up.  I feel good.  I'm looking better.  I'm wearing smaller clothes.  I'm happy in the journey knowing there is still a long ways to go.

My goal is 190 pounds.  My target date is May 19, 2013.  I will have lost 240 pounds, more than I will weigh.

I know the next 82 will be harder than the first 82 and I know the last 82 will be the hardest of all.  But the journey is worth it.  I was told a few minutes ago, I'll be a new man and indeed I will.

So, my secret is out.  The numbers are out on the public stage for all to see.  I admit that my life has become unmanageable.  I submit my life to a higher power, God, creator of the universe, to restore my sanity and to remove my shame.

"Into Marvelous Light I'm running.  Out of darkness, out of shame.  By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way." - Charlie Hall

Less of me.  More of Him.

Eric

Little things matter

It's been a few days and a few pounds since I've written.  This past weekend I had two 12,000 plus step days in a row.  I'm excited to get that kind of activity in and see the results.  I was also excited to have a "slow" day today to recuperate.

One thing I am noticing - even with the big dreams and goals still out there in front of me.  It's the little things and little differences I can see on a daily basis that are the most important in keeping me going.  You may notice a couple of things from my goal list from a couple posts ago - Why. 

I sit in my car and the steering wheel doesn't touch my stomach anymore.  Not only does it not touch but as I'm sitting there I'm thinking it's getting harder to see the bottom of the dash lights and I should probably lower the steering wheel a notch.  Little things matter.

I get in a mini van at work and the steering wheel no longer hits my stomach and I see a difference.  I get in a week later and it's very tight and I can't believe it.  Then I realize the seat is forward a notch.  Three months ago I would never have gotten in with the seat in that position.  Little things matter.

I see a piece of trash on the ground.  I lean over and pick it up without thinking and then I realize how easy it was to reach my hand to the ground and how long it's been that it wasn't that easy.  Little things matter.

I sit on a two person couch and don't worry about whether or not someone will sit beside me because I'm afraid I take up too much space.  I put on a shirt or a pair of pants and have to choose again because it doesn't fit - but this time it's too big instead of too small.  Little things matter. 

Every additional step and additional pound I hear someone else say way to go.  You can do it.  I'm proud of you.  Keep it up.  Little things matter

I see a long road stretched out in front of me but it's not as long as it used to be.  I look behind and see a road fading into the shadows and out of sight.  I'm not where I used to be.  And because of the little things that have kept me going and keep me going on a daily basis I can see farther, dream more, and step out faster and with more confidence knowing that I can complete the journey, one little step at a time.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Blow Out

In the last few months I've heard from a number of you that are reading my blog or watching my progress on facebook.  I appreciate your encouragement and support as well as the accountability of knowing there is a group of people watching to see what happens.  Some of you have shared how my journey or at least my sharing my journey publicly like this has encouraged and/or inspired you.  I am happy to be able to do that.  It is how I want to live my life.  However, I also want you to know that not every step of my journey gets shared on a daily basis.  I have a support team that gets the detail and to the general public I share more of the success and the things I'm learning.

John Maxwell wrote a book a while back called Failing Forward.  I actually received my copy of this book as a gift from a person who had not always been overly supportive of me.  However, the intent of the gift and of the book was to encourage an approach to life that recognizes "failure" as a part of life's teaching plan.

So, today I want to tell you about my last 10 days.  I often take time around my birthday to reflect on my life and take stock of what I have and what I've done.  In many ways I know this is a relatively futile exercise because how do I know the "success" I may have or not have had?  The only real measuring tools available to me are the world's tools but that's not the right way to measure success in God's economy.  Combine in the same weekend that sort of processing and mother's day which this year at least served to remind me of how I often felt I didn't measure up to my mom's expectations.  I don't believe this was true - it's just how I felt.  Putting those two things together while away from home and the healthy food at my house and I reverted back to old ways of dealing with emotions I didn't want to deal with - I ate.

I still tracked my calories and two of three days was under my calorie burn slightly - 200 or 300 calories under instead of my usual 2000+.  The deadly ingredient on that particular weekend was sodium.  My doctor has suggested that I try to be under 2000mg of sodium per day.  While I certainly don't hit that every day I'm usually relatively close.  However, the weekend of May 6-8 I was over 10,000 mg a day.  For those that don't know, high levels of sodium cause the body to retain water and that adds on weight. 

On Friday, the morning of my birthday, I was able to celebrate because I had reached the 70 pound mark of weight lost.  By the next Monday I had gained 14 back.  Now, I knew that most, if not all that weight was water weight based on what I had eaten and I have learned how to take off weight - especially water weight.  There are a few important things but one of the most important is sweat!  So I did.  God also blessed me by allowing my car not to start for a few days which increased my activity level considerably as I walked back and forth to work.  In addition to that eating the right things again including a low sodium intake and drinking lots of water combined with sweating salt away and the pounds came off.  One week later I'm back to 70 pounds off again. 

So, for those of you watching to see how I do, and how I handle it when I don't do so well - here was a potential setback.  I was disappointed in myself and I could have eaten more.  I was down a few days but was eating what I had after I got home - and what I had was healthy.  I do have to point out here that it is my support team who helped pick me up in this moment even by pointing out decisions made along the way and how they had prepared me for this time.

In January and February as I was beginning this process I put together a support team that I share my victories and losses with.  One of them pointed out to me that I had planned (unknowingly) for this setback moment months earlier by putting a team around me who will ask how I'm doing if they don't hear for a day or two.  They will encourage and support and cheer me on, even when I take a step back.  Another one pointed out the potential lesson of God's grace in this time.  Gaining 14 pounds in a weekend offset several weeks of hard work and I knew it had the potential to be devastating for my journey.  But God was gracious to have surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses that are here to run the race with me.  God was gracious in that He created my body to respond quickly and correctly when the healthy habits took over the bad ones again.  He was gracious to maybe knock off a few pounds (or sweat off) that I didn't earn calorie wise this week and allow me to be back on track after only a week rather than needing weeks to correct the mistake.

I was driving a 15 passenger van this evening and hit a pothole.  Afterwards I heard a rattle and wondered if I had blown out a tire.  But I've had a lot of driving experience and good teachers and the van didn't react as one would if there had been a blowout.  We have blowout's in life too and I had one just over a week ago.  But as I've learned how to both recognize and handle a blowout of a tire on a vehicle, I've also learned to recognize blowouts in life and am learning how to handle them.  God is in the middle of those times saying I'm here.  God is in the middle of those blowouts to help us control the vehicle and sometimes to take the controls himself and get us back on track.  God uses people and situations in our life to help make that happen.  God is in the friendships and community He has put us in.  God is extending grace in the middle of those blowouts that could end up a major accident and helping us to experience only a slight delay.

Today I wanted to share a moment of weakness lest you think I have it all together.  And I want to be clear that if you are seeing strength in me and my journey you are seeing the God who gives me strength in my weakness.  You are seeing the God who is my higher power, my redeemer, my healer, and my friend.  You are seeing the Jesus who lives inside of me.  And my desire for this journey and for the rest of my life is that you will see...

Less of me, more of Him.

Eric

Contentment

I've had a nagging thought since late yesterday afternoon.  I think it was initiated in my birthday reflections of the past week.  Yes, I turned over another year.  Physically, I'm probably younger than a year ago because I'm healthier but that's a different entry.  Often around my birthday my thoughts turn to what I've done or accomplished in life, what I've gained, what I have, etc. in a seeming attempt to measure if my life has indeed been worthwhile.

The thought that has been nagging me is what does it mean to be content?  The apostle Paul says he learned to be content in any and all situations.  I've wondered how he did that at various times in my life. 

What hit me yesterday was that if I am truly content in my relationship with God than that is enough.  If I am content with my relationship with God than my financial status doesn't matter. (I believe debt free is God's plan but if I'm not it doesn't affect who I am if I'm content in my relationship with God.)  If I'm content in my relationship with God then my amount of influence, fame, recognition, and power do not determine who I am.

And if I'm still seeking after financial stability, fame, power, etc in order to define who I am, am I truly surrendered to God?  If I'm measuring my success or how worthwhile my life has been based on the world's standards, am I completely surrendered to God?

When I am surrendered to God I am content.  I'm not content because of my status or what is currently happening in my life.  I am content because I am His child and I am deeply and unconditionally loved by my "Abba Father."

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Why?

Good morning world.  This morning I am 70 pounds lighter than I was on January 3rd.  I am ahead of my planned schedule.  I'm not changing my schedule because I know the last pounds are harder than the first ones. 
Today I want to basically make a list.  A friend of mine asked me early in the process why I wanted to do this - to go on this journey.  Below are some of the reasons.  This is a list of both reasons why and things I want to be able to do or ways I want to live.  For those of you who have never struggled with your weight or your struggle has been 20 extra pounds many of these things may be things you've never thought about but they are things that at least I always have in the back of my mind.

1. I want to be able to walk up a couple flights of stairs and not be breathing heavier
2. I want to adjust the seat of my car according to leg room and comfort rather than belly room
3. I don't want to limit myself to cars with an adjustable steering wheel because I need it the highest to get in and out. (Side note - it's about time to move mine down a notch)
4. I want to be able to stay at a friends house without worrying about the type of bed I'm sleeping in and whether or not it will hold me.
5. I want to climb Spruce Mountain
6. I want to "save" or help as many people as I can find freedom (from whatever they need freedom from) and I will live longer and be able to relate to more people if I complete this journey.
7. Air travel
     a) I want to not have to use a seat belt extension on an airplane
     b) I don't want to be embarrassed by my size if another person has to sit beside me
     c) I don't want to be the "fat guy" passengers say made their flight uncomfortable when they get to their destination
     d) I want to be able to put my tray table down in front of me comfortably.
8. I don't want my weight to be a reason for my decisions (what chair to sit in, what activities to do, etc.)
9. Go down Spruce Lake's Zip Line
10. Be happy with how I look and feel
11. Buy clothes from a regular department store instead of a big and tall store (or big and tall section)
12. Buy clothes that don't need to be altered
13. I want to not have any questions about whether or not I should qualify for health or life insurance
14. I want to be able to lift what I should be able to lift, carry what I should be able to carry, etc without having to take a break or get help (this one is a little vague I know).
15. I want to walk into a room and turn heads, not because of my size but because of my incredible fashion sense. : )
16. I want to "rock" some songs in a worship or concert setting and not be out of breath
17. Shovel out my car in the winter without having to take a break

There are a few things I want to do in the process of getting to my goal weight or after I get there as well.  A few of them are above but here are a few more...

1. Complete a 5k race
2. Run a 5k race
3. Run "the hill" at Camp Hebron (it killed me this march when I walked it a couple times a day but I lost 11 pounds that week so I'm not complaining - I just want to conquer it)
4. Be a coach (officially or unofficially) to help others hit their goals and dreams
5. Run a 12:43 two mile run (something my high school soccer coach asked for every season and I was never able to do)
6. And in the back of my mind there are thoughts of 1/2 marathons, marathons, and triathlons but so far they are only in the back of my mind.

I've been encouraged to review my list and see what common themes are there as well as to see if there is a spiritual component or theme running through some or all of the list.  Those reflections are for a later post. 

For now, my summary is, I want to be happy, healthy, and live the abundant life God desires all his children to have.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Pressure and rest.

If you are a student of weight loss and/or watch The Biggest Loser with any regularity you've probably seen comments and discussion on how stress and rest affect weight loss.

This week I've struggled because I felt like maybe I was plateauing a bit.  Calories and activity level were good but the scales didn't show what I wanted it to.

This weekend was fairly active but I still didn't see any movement on the scales.  Generally the lowest weight of the day is seen in the morning.  The weekend was the first event we'd run in a while and we don't have our summer staff in yet so it makes the hours longer and for me the stress higher.  My quality of sleep was pretty decent but the quantity wasn't great.

This afternoon I came home, took a three hour nap, woke up refreshed and less stressed because of the event being over.

The results?  The event went fairly well and the numbers were lower this evening than this morning. 

So I can see that it appears to be true for me.  Well rested and free of pressure and stress and the numbers on the scale go down.  So then the question is, how do I live intentionally in a way that creates that type of atmosphere all the time?  Today's post is simply a question.  I'm hoping answers show up in posts to come.

So for today, a reminder I'm still on the journey.  Here's to stress free restful days and rolling back numbers as we go along.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric
Eric