Crawling Back Up On the Wagon

In 2011 I began a journey. A journey that would change my life. The journey actually started before that, with a decision that came after countless hours of crying out to God for help and crying myself to sleep when help didn’t seem to arrive. And at a retreat in December of 2010 one of the songs the first night was Your Grace is Enough by Chris Tomlin.  I sat in my room that night asking God if I went on this journey, was He going to be faithful?  Was He going to remember his child?  Was He going to be enough?  And the answer was a resounding yes!  As we sang that song throughout that week, I sang it with a different attitude and a tearful cry, “remember your children, remember your people, remember your promise, O God.” And then I took a step.

Over the next 17 months I began to see food differently, I began to make healthier choices, and I began to understand that in my life food was a very real addiction. Not necessarily specific foods but how I used food. When others might turn to alcohol or drugs under stress, frustration, and anger, I turned to food. Someone else might have said, “I need a drink.” And in my mind that was equal to “I need a pizza.” And as these revelations were discovered and my choices got better God was indeed faithful in having my body respond to healthy choices the way He designed it to. And the result was losing 180 pounds in 17 months.

60 pounds short of my goal I left a job I loved, I moved halfway across the country without the promise of a job, and I started over. And over the next few years life got more difficult than expected and I lost my way. In losing my way I reverted to old habits and the weight came back on – all of it, and then some.  

When an addict goes into recovery, everybody is supportive – family, friends, community. When the addict falls off the wagon, they often find a little less support. The second, third, and fourth time, the support gets less and less. And suddenly the addict finds himself alone and the struggle to get back on the wagon seems almost impossible. This is what it seems and feels like to the addict. And sometimes, I’m sure it’s real. Other times, the addict may create this loneliness himself, by pushing people away or pulling away from those who want to help.

I think for me, it has been some of both. But here is what I’m learning. I am responsible for the decisions I make. I am responsible for how I react to situations, not the situations themselves. If there are those who dismiss me because I fell off the wagon, especially if I fall off time and time again, those people do not get to speak into my life and my choices will not be based on their response or reaction to my struggles. There is, however, a group of people, probably larger than I think, who are in my corner, cheering for me and wanting to support me, and I need to learn how to let them. And there are people who want to help but may not know how and instead of stopping them from helping or dismissing them, I need to let them know what I need and how they can help so they can be a part of my support structure.

There have been some events in my life and moments where the enemy managed to speak into my life. He spoke lies about who I was and for many years I believed those lies. Even during my years of ministry and helping people, even helping people find their true identities in Jesus and understanding who they are, those lies were still buried deep in my subconscious and would occasionally raise their ugly head to keep their hold on me.

About 7 years ago I was doing some counseling was able to identify these lies and where and when they came from and then I was asked to listen to the new, or true identity, God was giving to me. And those words and names I heard were that I am Innocent! I am likeable! I am clean, holy, and pure. I am a healer. God is not done with me yet. I am a rock that others can cling to. I am Eric the Innocent – a peaceful warrior. And because I am these things I will live my life as a son of God, as a child of the King – happy, healthy, active, and free. I will do this so that I can help lead others out of captivity and bondage and into freedom.

So, I get back up on the wagon. Some days it’s just stepping up and in and enjoying the ride. Other days, it’s like grabbing a hold of the side of the wagon and hanging on for dear life. And then some days, you’re sitting in the wagon, you start to fall, and find yourself hanging over the side with just your feet somehow still inside, and you try to keep from dragging on the ground.

This time though, it wasn’t just me getting back up on the wagon. This time it was a friend. This time it was someone who didn’t let me push her away. This time it was someone who knew a way to help and kept reaching out. And after a while of trying to pull away I finally realized here was a real offer of both help and hope. I reached out and took the hand being offered to me. I spent a year on the program, being inconsistent and I’m sure making my coach wonder why she kept reaching out to me to start with. But the coaching and the community that are a part of this program got to me. And I started to see again the people around me that support me and want to be and are becoming part of my journey and my story.  

And so, my community grows. My support system gets stronger. My new identity takes hold and sinks in deeper and deeper. And I got more focused. And then I ended up in the hospital – but that story will come later. In the first year of ups and downs and being inconsistent I did manage to still drop about 25 pounds. As the focus came back the pounds started to go down and then, a distraction. The longer story will prove the distraction was probably a good thing but at the time it was frustrating. It did take a couple days after being out of the hospital to get back on track.

Since getting out of the hospital on June 3 I have dropped another 44 pounds. And that means I’m down just over 70 since re-starting this journey. And so far, I’m staying on the wagon, at least not falling completely off. What’s the difference?  I don’t know if it’s the only one but when you have a community surrounding you, in the wagon with you, forming a wall around the edge of the wagon, it’s a lot harder to fall off.

So I stay on the program, I follow the plan, and I see what God, the giver of life, has in store for me next.

Less of me. More of Him,

-Eric