Yesterday was a rough day. You would think it wouldn't have been but it was. It was my first day off in a few weeks. Or at least first day off in a few weeks that I didn't work. Because of some things I was processing in my head it was a day that in the past I would have eaten. I likely would have eaten a lot. Eating was my drug of choice. Its what I used for comfort, pleasure, and to escape. And yesterday I did eat - more than I often do. Or at least I was doing some "snacking" as I went throughout the day instead of sticking strictly to my meal times (which include snack times).
However, at the end of the day I entered all the foods eaten throughout the day and I was at approximately 1700 calories. A year ago it probably would have been 7000. Yesterday's sodium content was higher than I like - almost 3000 mg for the day. A year ago it would probably have been 10,000mg.
So what's the difference? I'm sure there are a number of factors but here are a few. In the past 6 months of this journey I've grown. I've grown in maturity, wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. I've learned how the scales will respond if I have one of those 7,000 calorie and/or 10,000mg sodium days. I'm learning how to handle my stress in healthier ways than before. I'm growing in my ability to say no to immediate gratification for the rewards of delayed gratification - keeping the goal and big picture in front of me. So, one factor is that I've grown.
Another factor is something that I laughed at when I saw it in both Weight Watchers and The Biggest Loser online Club. Both of them said very early in the journey to clean out your refrigerator and cabinets and get rid of all the unhealthy foods and snacks. I've done that. I did that early. And yesterday it paid off - because if the unhealthy snacks had been there, I would likely have eaten them.
A third factor is not something I planned initially - currently my car isn't running. I didn't plan for my car to stop running but I have put off getting it fixed since it does force me to be more active - walking to work, etc. Had it been running I may have gone for groceries yesterday (I could use a few but it's not a "need" yet) and that may have resulted in some junk food making it's way into the house.
Fourth - Having gone public with my journey I now know there are a lot of people out there watching me - some are cheering, supporting, and encouraging, some are receiving encouragement and inspiration, and some may just be watching - either to see me succeed or fail. Regardless of the reason, I know many people are watching and that is built in accountability. In addition to that I have a group of 5 people that asks me how I'm doing and keeps tabs on me.
Fifth - success breeds success. I woke up yesterday and got ready to weigh in. I stepped on the scales 90.4 pounds lighter than I was on January 3. And in the midst of the stress and the struggles going through my head I took a moment and said life is good. I'm on my way even though I still have a long way to go.
So what made yesterday successful for me when in the past it would not have been? It was the decisions made months ago to keep the food in my house healthy, to form a support team, to make my journey public so all can see, and choosing to be "inconvenienced" by a car that's not currently running. It's also the realization of how far I've come and how far a junk food day would set me back.
So as you prepare for your next journey, whatever it is, I suggest you take some time to anticipate obstacles that may come and prepare for how to handle them or avoid them so they don't knock you off the path when you get to them.
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
This blog is set up to chronicle a journey to health and freedom. While I will be reporting on my physical health I believe that as a result of this journey I will also have a spiritual awakening and become more like Christ. Upon arrival I believe I will truly be able to say, "less of me and more of Him."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Disciplined Life
So what does the disciplined life look like? I'm still learning that and I think I have a long way to go. But I wrote this back in January when I started this journey. I can't honestly say I've achieved what I'm about to share with you but I am making strides to get there and anticipate arriving someday.
I have a daily schedule. The header reads, "Life Under Discipline." The first page is the schedule. The second page has some ideas and plans for how I'm going to live. Today I simply want to focus on the first item on that second page.
"Meal times are sacred - not necessarily when they happen as there needs to be a little flexibility but they are sacred that they happen and how they happen. Meal times will be intentional times of communion with God or personal development. Eating has been both an escape and an afterthought. Now it will be intentional and redeemed."
I admit I have a long way to go in this area. But here are some things I think this means even though I haven't gotten there yet. In my former life my kitchen table was a place to store things. Meals were eaten in front of the TV or computer. In my new life my kitchen table will be redeemed and become a place not only to eat but to commune with God. It will become a holy space. I have a table in my office - same concept - storage. It too will become a place of development - spiritual, emotional, mental, physical. I found as I entered the summer I started to skip meals again. I bought a mini-fridge so I can keep the foods I need to eat in my office and have no excuse to skip a meal.
I have a meal plan - it doesn't yet include what I'm going to eat at every meal but it certainly could. For me it's about making sure I eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack. This keeps food digesting through most of the day and keeps my metabolism burning so it speeds up. I spread my lower calorie count out over 5-6 meals a day. By doing that I am seldom stuffed/bloated anymore and also seldom hungry. I am learning to eat because it's time to refuel, not because I am or am not hungry. And if I get hungry and it's not time to eat yet, I pop a 5 calorie piece of Extra Sugar Free gum to take the edge off my hunger.
So while I'm eating better I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm developing. I'm becoming the man I was created to be and have longed for years to be. Not for me but all for Him.
Less of me. More of Him.
-Eric
I have a daily schedule. The header reads, "Life Under Discipline." The first page is the schedule. The second page has some ideas and plans for how I'm going to live. Today I simply want to focus on the first item on that second page.
"Meal times are sacred - not necessarily when they happen as there needs to be a little flexibility but they are sacred that they happen and how they happen. Meal times will be intentional times of communion with God or personal development. Eating has been both an escape and an afterthought. Now it will be intentional and redeemed."
I admit I have a long way to go in this area. But here are some things I think this means even though I haven't gotten there yet. In my former life my kitchen table was a place to store things. Meals were eaten in front of the TV or computer. In my new life my kitchen table will be redeemed and become a place not only to eat but to commune with God. It will become a holy space. I have a table in my office - same concept - storage. It too will become a place of development - spiritual, emotional, mental, physical. I found as I entered the summer I started to skip meals again. I bought a mini-fridge so I can keep the foods I need to eat in my office and have no excuse to skip a meal.
I have a meal plan - it doesn't yet include what I'm going to eat at every meal but it certainly could. For me it's about making sure I eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack. This keeps food digesting through most of the day and keeps my metabolism burning so it speeds up. I spread my lower calorie count out over 5-6 meals a day. By doing that I am seldom stuffed/bloated anymore and also seldom hungry. I am learning to eat because it's time to refuel, not because I am or am not hungry. And if I get hungry and it's not time to eat yet, I pop a 5 calorie piece of Extra Sugar Free gum to take the edge off my hunger.
So while I'm eating better I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm developing. I'm becoming the man I was created to be and have longed for years to be. Not for me but all for Him.
Less of me. More of Him.
-Eric
Friday, June 10, 2011
Undisciplined to Under Discipline
Summer is here and in my job that means longer days, more days, and busier days. In the past with that kind of schedule it has been easy to skip meals and snack times. I found myself even this last week sitting at my desk at 7pm feeling famished and realizing I hadn't eaten since breakfast.
Early on in this journey I used a phrase that sticks with me and I'm learning to put it into practice more and more. The phrase is Undisciplined to Under Discipline. Most of my life I've lived in an undisciplined manner. This can be seen in many areas of my life. I was undisciplined in my finances, food choices, entertainment choices, and how I keep up my house, car and office. So what does it mean to go from undisciplined to under discipline? It might just mean I'm growing up. At this point some of you may be thinking it's about time. :) And indeed you would be right. It is.
So what's changing? And how fast is it changing? Over the last few years I've become much more disciplined in my finances and both my credit score and bank account reflect that. Over the last number of years I've become more disciplined in my entertainment choices and my thinking reflects that. Over the last few months I've become much more disciplined in my food choices and the scales reflects that. I'm still working on these and other areas as well. As the discipline increases, life does get better. As the discipline increases, the tough times are easier to deal with. As the discipline increases, temptations seem to be easier to resist. And I believe there is a secret but it shouldn't be. It should be broadcast to the rooftops so everyone can know. And here it is.
It's not about becoming more disciplined. I hear what many of you have said. Way to go Eric. You're doing so well. You're making good choices. You're taking charge. You're changing your life. Thank you - I appreciate those encouragements and while I believe all of those statements are true to a degree I want to share the Truth with you.
For me it's all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline. I'm making good choices, taking charge and changing my life. It's true, I am. I admit that I have a problem with food and using food not as it's meant to be used. It may even be an addiction. I admit that I am powerless over this area of my life and am in need of a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. I have changed my life and made some good choices recently, in this area of my life. A choice to come under discipline. I have turned my life over to Jesus Christ, my higher power, who created me to live an abundant life including being healthy and whole. I am under His discipline. I can't do it on my own.
I'm making good choices and taking charge? Yes I am. I have submitted myself to a team of people and in that submission agreed to be under their discipline as needed. I know I can't do it on my own. I need to be under discipline - God's discipline as He directs me both personally and through a small group of people who have committed to being key components on this journey with me. The changes in my life are all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline and yielding control instead of taking it.
Less of me. More of Him.
- Eric
Early on in this journey I used a phrase that sticks with me and I'm learning to put it into practice more and more. The phrase is Undisciplined to Under Discipline. Most of my life I've lived in an undisciplined manner. This can be seen in many areas of my life. I was undisciplined in my finances, food choices, entertainment choices, and how I keep up my house, car and office. So what does it mean to go from undisciplined to under discipline? It might just mean I'm growing up. At this point some of you may be thinking it's about time. :) And indeed you would be right. It is.
So what's changing? And how fast is it changing? Over the last few years I've become much more disciplined in my finances and both my credit score and bank account reflect that. Over the last number of years I've become more disciplined in my entertainment choices and my thinking reflects that. Over the last few months I've become much more disciplined in my food choices and the scales reflects that. I'm still working on these and other areas as well. As the discipline increases, life does get better. As the discipline increases, the tough times are easier to deal with. As the discipline increases, temptations seem to be easier to resist. And I believe there is a secret but it shouldn't be. It should be broadcast to the rooftops so everyone can know. And here it is.
It's not about becoming more disciplined. I hear what many of you have said. Way to go Eric. You're doing so well. You're making good choices. You're taking charge. You're changing your life. Thank you - I appreciate those encouragements and while I believe all of those statements are true to a degree I want to share the Truth with you.
For me it's all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline. I'm making good choices, taking charge and changing my life. It's true, I am. I admit that I have a problem with food and using food not as it's meant to be used. It may even be an addiction. I admit that I am powerless over this area of my life and am in need of a Higher Power to restore me to sanity. I have changed my life and made some good choices recently, in this area of my life. A choice to come under discipline. I have turned my life over to Jesus Christ, my higher power, who created me to live an abundant life including being healthy and whole. I am under His discipline. I can't do it on my own.
I'm making good choices and taking charge? Yes I am. I have submitted myself to a team of people and in that submission agreed to be under their discipline as needed. I know I can't do it on my own. I need to be under discipline - God's discipline as He directs me both personally and through a small group of people who have committed to being key components on this journey with me. The changes in my life are all about moving from undisciplined to under discipline and yielding control instead of taking it.
Less of me. More of Him.
- Eric
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Mayo
This past winter when I started on my journey I started looking at labels more closely, primarily the nutritional information. Because of that I switched to using Ketchup (15-20 calories/tbsp) instead of mayo (90-100 calories/tbsp). I know - mustard is the best option nutritionally but I just can't get myself to eat it yet. :) Times where I have ordered mayo it's in very minimal amounts and is usually at a Subway or sandwich shop. I haven't purchased any since starting this journey.
One thing I didn't read on the mayo bottle that I had was the little part on the back corner that said, "Do not freeze." I know, you're wondering who in their right mind freezes mayo. I don't know. And I didn't do it on purpose. I was bringing some things in from the car last winder and not able to get everything so I left a bag of things in the car including a bottle of mayonnaise. I figured it would be all right for a while since it was cold so I wasn't worried about it. Well, it was really cold. When I missed it, I went out to get it and brought it in. Here is what I found:
I let it warm up in the house for a while and then shook it with everything I had to get it to go back together but it wouldn't. Then I started looking at it and thinking about what I had been eating. The "spread" part was the little portion at the bottom and all the rest was oil. Unfortunately, not a good oil either. I was glad I was already deciding to not eat mayo but here was another reason. I realize a different brand may be better, use a better oil, etc but the thought of putting this in my system was not something I wanted and has reinforced for my the value of my decision to stop eating this product in favor of some healthier options.
So today's info - not so spiritual but potentially eye opening.
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
One thing I didn't read on the mayo bottle that I had was the little part on the back corner that said, "Do not freeze." I know, you're wondering who in their right mind freezes mayo. I don't know. And I didn't do it on purpose. I was bringing some things in from the car last winder and not able to get everything so I left a bag of things in the car including a bottle of mayonnaise. I figured it would be all right for a while since it was cold so I wasn't worried about it. Well, it was really cold. When I missed it, I went out to get it and brought it in. Here is what I found:
So today's info - not so spiritual but potentially eye opening.
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The secret is out.
Many of us that struggle with weight also struggle with guilt and shame. Not the healthy guilt that leads to repentance and change but a deep nagging idea that somehow we are a bad person. Many times we bury this shame deep down and sometimes even eat to not deal with it. We choose food like others may choose alcohol or other substances to give us comfort and hide from our reality. We bury even the symptoms sometimes and definitely do not seek to cure or treat the actual problem. When we make a bad choice we don't say, that was a bad choice; we say, I'm a bad person. And the shame builds. We hide and hope our secrets are not found out.
This morning, I stood before maybe 100 people that stayed to hear the presentation that was made. Now I'm writing to the 900 or so people that have read my blog and the masses that may read it in the future. I have been waiting for this moment but dreading it at the same time. But I know the Truth and I know the Truth will indeed set me free.
For several years, probably at least 4, I have intentionally weighed over 400 pounds. I say intentionally because I never accidentally ate anything. Did I want to weigh that much? No. Did I think I did? No. Until that dreaded moment when I step on the scales and see the number. Even when I was over I didn't know what the number was, only that I was over. It's time for the truth. It's time to put the numbers out there. It's time to be set free!
On January 3, 2011 I stepped on my scales and saw a number that shocked me. I weighed 430 pounds. I was 10 pounds over my estimate of where I'd be. I decided at that time to not change my target or my target date - I simply added 5 pounds to two of the early months where I was going to lose 10 and then knew I needed to lose 15.
On May 22, 2011 I stepped on the scales again. I weighed 355.2 pounds. Go to my 100 pound challenge page and you can see a picture of the readout. This morning I stepped on the scales again and weighed in at 347.8. Since January 3, I have lost 82.2 pounds. I am 1/3 of the way to my goal. My energy level is up. I feel good. I'm looking better. I'm wearing smaller clothes. I'm happy in the journey knowing there is still a long ways to go.
My goal is 190 pounds. My target date is May 19, 2013. I will have lost 240 pounds, more than I will weigh.
I know the next 82 will be harder than the first 82 and I know the last 82 will be the hardest of all. But the journey is worth it. I was told a few minutes ago, I'll be a new man and indeed I will.
So, my secret is out. The numbers are out on the public stage for all to see. I admit that my life has become unmanageable. I submit my life to a higher power, God, creator of the universe, to restore my sanity and to remove my shame.
"Into Marvelous Light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way." - Charlie Hall
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
This morning, I stood before maybe 100 people that stayed to hear the presentation that was made. Now I'm writing to the 900 or so people that have read my blog and the masses that may read it in the future. I have been waiting for this moment but dreading it at the same time. But I know the Truth and I know the Truth will indeed set me free.
For several years, probably at least 4, I have intentionally weighed over 400 pounds. I say intentionally because I never accidentally ate anything. Did I want to weigh that much? No. Did I think I did? No. Until that dreaded moment when I step on the scales and see the number. Even when I was over I didn't know what the number was, only that I was over. It's time for the truth. It's time to put the numbers out there. It's time to be set free!
On January 3, 2011 I stepped on my scales and saw a number that shocked me. I weighed 430 pounds. I was 10 pounds over my estimate of where I'd be. I decided at that time to not change my target or my target date - I simply added 5 pounds to two of the early months where I was going to lose 10 and then knew I needed to lose 15.
On May 22, 2011 I stepped on the scales again. I weighed 355.2 pounds. Go to my 100 pound challenge page and you can see a picture of the readout. This morning I stepped on the scales again and weighed in at 347.8. Since January 3, I have lost 82.2 pounds. I am 1/3 of the way to my goal. My energy level is up. I feel good. I'm looking better. I'm wearing smaller clothes. I'm happy in the journey knowing there is still a long ways to go.
My goal is 190 pounds. My target date is May 19, 2013. I will have lost 240 pounds, more than I will weigh.
I know the next 82 will be harder than the first 82 and I know the last 82 will be the hardest of all. But the journey is worth it. I was told a few minutes ago, I'll be a new man and indeed I will.
So, my secret is out. The numbers are out on the public stage for all to see. I admit that my life has become unmanageable. I submit my life to a higher power, God, creator of the universe, to restore my sanity and to remove my shame.
"Into Marvelous Light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way." - Charlie Hall
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
Monday, May 23, 2011
Little things matter
It's been a few days and a few pounds since I've written. This past weekend I had two 12,000 plus step days in a row. I'm excited to get that kind of activity in and see the results. I was also excited to have a "slow" day today to recuperate.
One thing I am noticing - even with the big dreams and goals still out there in front of me. It's the little things and little differences I can see on a daily basis that are the most important in keeping me going. You may notice a couple of things from my goal list from a couple posts ago - Why.
I sit in my car and the steering wheel doesn't touch my stomach anymore. Not only does it not touch but as I'm sitting there I'm thinking it's getting harder to see the bottom of the dash lights and I should probably lower the steering wheel a notch. Little things matter.
I get in a mini van at work and the steering wheel no longer hits my stomach and I see a difference. I get in a week later and it's very tight and I can't believe it. Then I realize the seat is forward a notch. Three months ago I would never have gotten in with the seat in that position. Little things matter.
I see a piece of trash on the ground. I lean over and pick it up without thinking and then I realize how easy it was to reach my hand to the ground and how long it's been that it wasn't that easy. Little things matter.
I sit on a two person couch and don't worry about whether or not someone will sit beside me because I'm afraid I take up too much space. I put on a shirt or a pair of pants and have to choose again because it doesn't fit - but this time it's too big instead of too small. Little things matter.
Every additional step and additional pound I hear someone else say way to go. You can do it. I'm proud of you. Keep it up. Little things matter
I see a long road stretched out in front of me but it's not as long as it used to be. I look behind and see a road fading into the shadows and out of sight. I'm not where I used to be. And because of the little things that have kept me going and keep me going on a daily basis I can see farther, dream more, and step out faster and with more confidence knowing that I can complete the journey, one little step at a time.
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
One thing I am noticing - even with the big dreams and goals still out there in front of me. It's the little things and little differences I can see on a daily basis that are the most important in keeping me going. You may notice a couple of things from my goal list from a couple posts ago - Why.
I sit in my car and the steering wheel doesn't touch my stomach anymore. Not only does it not touch but as I'm sitting there I'm thinking it's getting harder to see the bottom of the dash lights and I should probably lower the steering wheel a notch. Little things matter.
I get in a mini van at work and the steering wheel no longer hits my stomach and I see a difference. I get in a week later and it's very tight and I can't believe it. Then I realize the seat is forward a notch. Three months ago I would never have gotten in with the seat in that position. Little things matter.
I see a piece of trash on the ground. I lean over and pick it up without thinking and then I realize how easy it was to reach my hand to the ground and how long it's been that it wasn't that easy. Little things matter.
I sit on a two person couch and don't worry about whether or not someone will sit beside me because I'm afraid I take up too much space. I put on a shirt or a pair of pants and have to choose again because it doesn't fit - but this time it's too big instead of too small. Little things matter.
Every additional step and additional pound I hear someone else say way to go. You can do it. I'm proud of you. Keep it up. Little things matter
I see a long road stretched out in front of me but it's not as long as it used to be. I look behind and see a road fading into the shadows and out of sight. I'm not where I used to be. And because of the little things that have kept me going and keep me going on a daily basis I can see farther, dream more, and step out faster and with more confidence knowing that I can complete the journey, one little step at a time.
Less of me. More of Him.
Eric
Monday, May 16, 2011
Blow Out
In the last few months I've heard from a number of you that are reading my blog or watching my progress on facebook. I appreciate your encouragement and support as well as the accountability of knowing there is a group of people watching to see what happens. Some of you have shared how my journey or at least my sharing my journey publicly like this has encouraged and/or inspired you. I am happy to be able to do that. It is how I want to live my life. However, I also want you to know that not every step of my journey gets shared on a daily basis. I have a support team that gets the detail and to the general public I share more of the success and the things I'm learning.
John Maxwell wrote a book a while back called Failing Forward. I actually received my copy of this book as a gift from a person who had not always been overly supportive of me. However, the intent of the gift and of the book was to encourage an approach to life that recognizes "failure" as a part of life's teaching plan.
So, today I want to tell you about my last 10 days. I often take time around my birthday to reflect on my life and take stock of what I have and what I've done. In many ways I know this is a relatively futile exercise because how do I know the "success" I may have or not have had? The only real measuring tools available to me are the world's tools but that's not the right way to measure success in God's economy. Combine in the same weekend that sort of processing and mother's day which this year at least served to remind me of how I often felt I didn't measure up to my mom's expectations. I don't believe this was true - it's just how I felt. Putting those two things together while away from home and the healthy food at my house and I reverted back to old ways of dealing with emotions I didn't want to deal with - I ate.
I still tracked my calories and two of three days was under my calorie burn slightly - 200 or 300 calories under instead of my usual 2000+. The deadly ingredient on that particular weekend was sodium. My doctor has suggested that I try to be under 2000mg of sodium per day. While I certainly don't hit that every day I'm usually relatively close. However, the weekend of May 6-8 I was over 10,000 mg a day. For those that don't know, high levels of sodium cause the body to retain water and that adds on weight.
On Friday, the morning of my birthday, I was able to celebrate because I had reached the 70 pound mark of weight lost. By the next Monday I had gained 14 back. Now, I knew that most, if not all that weight was water weight based on what I had eaten and I have learned how to take off weight - especially water weight. There are a few important things but one of the most important is sweat! So I did. God also blessed me by allowing my car not to start for a few days which increased my activity level considerably as I walked back and forth to work. In addition to that eating the right things again including a low sodium intake and drinking lots of water combined with sweating salt away and the pounds came off. One week later I'm back to 70 pounds off again.
So, for those of you watching to see how I do, and how I handle it when I don't do so well - here was a potential setback. I was disappointed in myself and I could have eaten more. I was down a few days but was eating what I had after I got home - and what I had was healthy. I do have to point out here that it is my support team who helped pick me up in this moment even by pointing out decisions made along the way and how they had prepared me for this time.
In January and February as I was beginning this process I put together a support team that I share my victories and losses with. One of them pointed out to me that I had planned (unknowingly) for this setback moment months earlier by putting a team around me who will ask how I'm doing if they don't hear for a day or two. They will encourage and support and cheer me on, even when I take a step back. Another one pointed out the potential lesson of God's grace in this time. Gaining 14 pounds in a weekend offset several weeks of hard work and I knew it had the potential to be devastating for my journey. But God was gracious to have surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses that are here to run the race with me. God was gracious in that He created my body to respond quickly and correctly when the healthy habits took over the bad ones again. He was gracious to maybe knock off a few pounds (or sweat off) that I didn't earn calorie wise this week and allow me to be back on track after only a week rather than needing weeks to correct the mistake.
I was driving a 15 passenger van this evening and hit a pothole. Afterwards I heard a rattle and wondered if I had blown out a tire. But I've had a lot of driving experience and good teachers and the van didn't react as one would if there had been a blowout. We have blowout's in life too and I had one just over a week ago. But as I've learned how to both recognize and handle a blowout of a tire on a vehicle, I've also learned to recognize blowouts in life and am learning how to handle them. God is in the middle of those times saying I'm here. God is in the middle of those blowouts to help us control the vehicle and sometimes to take the controls himself and get us back on track. God uses people and situations in our life to help make that happen. God is in the friendships and community He has put us in. God is extending grace in the middle of those blowouts that could end up a major accident and helping us to experience only a slight delay.
Today I wanted to share a moment of weakness lest you think I have it all together. And I want to be clear that if you are seeing strength in me and my journey you are seeing the God who gives me strength in my weakness. You are seeing the God who is my higher power, my redeemer, my healer, and my friend. You are seeing the Jesus who lives inside of me. And my desire for this journey and for the rest of my life is that you will see...
Less of me, more of Him.
Eric
John Maxwell wrote a book a while back called Failing Forward. I actually received my copy of this book as a gift from a person who had not always been overly supportive of me. However, the intent of the gift and of the book was to encourage an approach to life that recognizes "failure" as a part of life's teaching plan.
So, today I want to tell you about my last 10 days. I often take time around my birthday to reflect on my life and take stock of what I have and what I've done. In many ways I know this is a relatively futile exercise because how do I know the "success" I may have or not have had? The only real measuring tools available to me are the world's tools but that's not the right way to measure success in God's economy. Combine in the same weekend that sort of processing and mother's day which this year at least served to remind me of how I often felt I didn't measure up to my mom's expectations. I don't believe this was true - it's just how I felt. Putting those two things together while away from home and the healthy food at my house and I reverted back to old ways of dealing with emotions I didn't want to deal with - I ate.
I still tracked my calories and two of three days was under my calorie burn slightly - 200 or 300 calories under instead of my usual 2000+. The deadly ingredient on that particular weekend was sodium. My doctor has suggested that I try to be under 2000mg of sodium per day. While I certainly don't hit that every day I'm usually relatively close. However, the weekend of May 6-8 I was over 10,000 mg a day. For those that don't know, high levels of sodium cause the body to retain water and that adds on weight.
On Friday, the morning of my birthday, I was able to celebrate because I had reached the 70 pound mark of weight lost. By the next Monday I had gained 14 back. Now, I knew that most, if not all that weight was water weight based on what I had eaten and I have learned how to take off weight - especially water weight. There are a few important things but one of the most important is sweat! So I did. God also blessed me by allowing my car not to start for a few days which increased my activity level considerably as I walked back and forth to work. In addition to that eating the right things again including a low sodium intake and drinking lots of water combined with sweating salt away and the pounds came off. One week later I'm back to 70 pounds off again.
So, for those of you watching to see how I do, and how I handle it when I don't do so well - here was a potential setback. I was disappointed in myself and I could have eaten more. I was down a few days but was eating what I had after I got home - and what I had was healthy. I do have to point out here that it is my support team who helped pick me up in this moment even by pointing out decisions made along the way and how they had prepared me for this time.
In January and February as I was beginning this process I put together a support team that I share my victories and losses with. One of them pointed out to me that I had planned (unknowingly) for this setback moment months earlier by putting a team around me who will ask how I'm doing if they don't hear for a day or two. They will encourage and support and cheer me on, even when I take a step back. Another one pointed out the potential lesson of God's grace in this time. Gaining 14 pounds in a weekend offset several weeks of hard work and I knew it had the potential to be devastating for my journey. But God was gracious to have surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses that are here to run the race with me. God was gracious in that He created my body to respond quickly and correctly when the healthy habits took over the bad ones again. He was gracious to maybe knock off a few pounds (or sweat off) that I didn't earn calorie wise this week and allow me to be back on track after only a week rather than needing weeks to correct the mistake.
I was driving a 15 passenger van this evening and hit a pothole. Afterwards I heard a rattle and wondered if I had blown out a tire. But I've had a lot of driving experience and good teachers and the van didn't react as one would if there had been a blowout. We have blowout's in life too and I had one just over a week ago. But as I've learned how to both recognize and handle a blowout of a tire on a vehicle, I've also learned to recognize blowouts in life and am learning how to handle them. God is in the middle of those times saying I'm here. God is in the middle of those blowouts to help us control the vehicle and sometimes to take the controls himself and get us back on track. God uses people and situations in our life to help make that happen. God is in the friendships and community He has put us in. God is extending grace in the middle of those blowouts that could end up a major accident and helping us to experience only a slight delay.
Today I wanted to share a moment of weakness lest you think I have it all together. And I want to be clear that if you are seeing strength in me and my journey you are seeing the God who gives me strength in my weakness. You are seeing the God who is my higher power, my redeemer, my healer, and my friend. You are seeing the Jesus who lives inside of me. And my desire for this journey and for the rest of my life is that you will see...
Less of me, more of Him.
Eric
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