Lost my way

On May 20, 2012 I accomplished a great feat.  Or at least that was a day to celebrate the accomplishment. Knowing that day was coming even in the 6 weeks prior to that day that included a move across country I had maintained my workouts and my eating regimen. At least I had done it pretty well.  Well enough to hit my targets and the goals I had set for that day. 

And then I came home to a job I didn't love and left shortly after returning home. I'm now on my third job since moving here and life has been a struggle.  As the title of this post says I feel like I've lost my way.  I quickly reverted back to my old habits - granted, pizza delivery and fast food options are much more prevalent where I live now then where I used to live but that's not an excuse.  There were some things in my new lifestyle that I simply stopped doing but as always the biggest things are food choices and activity levels and my lifestyle the last few months have not been healthy ones.  As a result of old habits not only have a significant number of pounds come back on but some of the old feelings about myself including a lower level of confidence and feelings of shame have crept back in. I can probably sum it up by reversing my sign off: most recently it's been, Less of Him, more of me.

I know that God created us as whole beings. That means all parts of us affect other parts. Every component of our life is woven together and when we struggle in one area all areas are affected.  This is not just a health battle for me. It's spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional.  It's just a battle - an all encompassing battle.

This week I've had several thoughts running through my head.  Can I get back on track?  If I get it together now can I still hit my original goal of reaching my target weight by May 19, 2013? Do I have or can I find the motivation, inspiration, and courage to get back on track? Can I find my way home?  Will God be faithful again or still if I get back into the race?

The answer to the last question is a resounding yes - God is faithful. God has always been faithful. God will always be faithful.  There is no doubt about this.

I know how I was feeling when I first moved here. My confidence level was fairly high. I was excited about life. I was happy. I was proud of what I had done. I felt like anything was possible.  In the last few months a lot of those feelings have changed.  As I've been thinking about where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going the biggest question from the list above that remains to be answered is whether or not I have or can find the motivation, inspiration, and courage to once again face my fears and my enemy and start moving forward.  What's happened is done and I can't change it. But tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities and temptations with many opportunities to make decisions - healthy or unhealthy.

Can I find the courage to move forward again?  The answer that has been going through my head is that if I don't find it, I die - no matter how long I exist on this earth or how many breaths I have left.  The life I was living and headed toward was life - the existence I've had the last couple months feels a little more like death.

So as I get back in the game I do ask that you pray for me.  I also give you permission to check up on me and see how I'm doing.  Can I still hit my target weight by May 19, 2013?  I don't know. But if I don't hit it until August does it really matter?  I will be alive and truly living and that's what matters.  So I will be setting up some new mile markers along the way and some of you may get invites to do some things with me as I reach new goals. 

As I finish this post the clock is striking midnight - it is literally a new day.  Here's to a new day and new life.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Less of me. More of Him.

- Eric

Passing the Buck

Genesis 3 tells us the story of the first recorded sin in the Bible.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Yes, they were tempted by the serpent and even lied to by the serpent but then thats normal - the enemy will always lie to us to try to trap us into sin.  When God came to walk with Adam and Eve they hid from God.  But God called and Adam answered.  God asked them if they had eaten the forbidden fruit and Adam's first response was to blame Eve.  Eve's first response was to blame the serpent.  It would seem our natural human tendency is to pass the buck - to blame someone else for our mistakes.

I'm not sure why this is our natural tendency - maybe because we don't want to take responsibility.  Maybe we don't want to admit we've failed.  Maybe we don't want to admit we need help.  That was me.  I blamed everything else for why I ate.  I blamed it on the person that made me mad or the situation that caused me stress.  It almost seems like I thought if I was eating in response to a situation that the calories didn't count or they'd go away when the situation got better.  But that wasn't the case. 

While it's true I am not responsible for things that are done to me - I am responsible for how I respond.  When I eat in response to stress, loneliness, anger, or any other outside stimulus I am responsible for that choice.  My name is Eric.  I'm a believer in Christ who struggles with food and making healthy eating choices.  I am responsible for every calorie that goes in and every calorie that gets burned off.  At least I'm responsible for the choices that burn extra calories - God created my body to do the burning.

Instead of always blaming others we have to own our sin, our weakness, and our failures and admit that we are powerless and our lives are out of control.  Then we're prepared to recognize that a power greater than us, Jesus, is able to fully restore us to sanity as we turn our will and life over to Him.  My journey has been and continues to be all about willpower - my will submitted to God's power.  When my will is not submitted I don't make good choices.  When it is, we win.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Stability

I've been in Alabama for 10 weeks.  I've had two different jobs during that time while also some time between jobs.  I'm still not real excited about where I'm working.  I haven't locked into a church home yet.  I haven't found a CR program yet.  I spend some time with my family in the area but most of my time I'm by myself.  I've described the experience as being unstable or lacking stability.  And a lack of stability creates higher stress for me and my natural response is to want to eat. 

So in the last month I have put back on some of the pounds I had lost and even the month prior to finishing the fundraiser weight loss challenge I struggled - I completed the task but it could have been more. 

God is trying to teach me something in this.  I haven't been listening very well yet or paying enough attention so I'm only starting to get it.  And it's something I've taught before - I just never had to make it as real in my own life as I do now. 

Stability or lack of is determined by where your feet are planted - not the circumstances of life going on around you.  It's the simple lesson we learned in Sunday School so many years ago - but now I have to put it into practice.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."  Matthew 7:24-27.

When my feet are planted solidly on The Rock - Jesus Christ, I have stability in my life.  When they aren't, I don't.  The circumstances or winds of life are not what determine if I have stability.  They actually don't really matter at all.  What matters is where my feet are planted.  In the last 10 weeks I feel like maybe I've been slipping sometimes - like my feet while on the rock have not been planted so well.  This is the lesson God is wanting to teach me right now in real life - real time - and not just a Bible story.

God, plant my feet on the rock of Jesus and keep them there.  Help me to keep my focus on where my feet are planted rather than what's going on around me.  Through this grant me the stability that allows for continued good choices when it comes to food, exercise, and how I spend my time.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Returning "home"

I'm back at Spruce Lake Retreat in Canadensis, PA.  This is where my journey of lifestyle changes started and I'm back to finish a portion of that journey.  One year ago I issued a challenge that I would lose an additional 100 pounds by May 20, 2012.  Additionally I invited and challenged people to pledge money towards Spruce Lake's building project for every pound I lose during the year.  I'm back to weigh in tomorrow to see how much I lost and how much money will go to the new building.  I'm also going to be sharing a bit of what I have and am learning along the way.  I'm not going to cheat and give you the numbers now - plus I'm still anticipating two strong workouts before that weigh in so hoping it drops a bit more.

Here's a teaser for tomorrow's presentation: What's the difference between magic and a miracle?  What are you hoping for in your life and are you praying for and looking for a miracle or simply the miraculous?  If you want to hear the remainder of these thoughts you'll need to make your way to Spruce Lake Retreat tomorrow by 6pm. Or you can get them from the sermon archives at Grace & Truth in Birmingham, AL.  Thanks to Steve Longenecker for prompting these thoughts.

Less of me.  More of Him.

- Eric

Who would have thought?

I arrived in Birmingham, AL on Wednesday, April 11, 2012.  On Thursday, I made a couple calls about jobs and filled out some applications online.  On Friday I had two interviews and ended up with two job offers.  I turned down that I'm sure I would have made at least double the money but may not have been as happy at.  Today was my first day of work at the other location.

Fifteen months ago when I was weighing in at 430 pounds who would have had any thought that I'd be working at a gym.  But now, 166 pounds later, here I am.  Working to inspire others to want to be healthy and helping them make the decision to do so.  I'll also be working with businesses in the area to sell corporate memberships and promote wellness in their organizations.  There is a good chance, if I'm interested in pursuing it, that I'll also be able to be certified as a personal trainer and be able to take on clients.

Who would have thought?  Who would have thought I'd be able to shop at a normal clothing store?  Who would have thought I'd like the way I look?  Who would have thought I could be an inspiration to anyone?  Who would have thought I'd be free of medications?  Who would have thought?

The answer is simple.  God didn't just think this was possible - He knew it was.  And when I started listening and being obedient to Him in my lifestyle choices He made pounds fall off and my body start to take the shape it's supposed to be in. 

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

The Glory Days

I'm packing to move.  I'll be moving 1000 miles away and I'm trying to take as little as possible.  There are certain things I'll definitely take and certain things I definitely won't but what do I do with the stuff that could go?  I'm at the point in my packing that the easy thing to do would be box everything else up and take it along.  I could be done actually packing in two hours, ready to load and move.  But I don't think I'll do it that way.  There are still things to be sorted.

While sorting this week I ran across a box with many old things in it.  Trophies, plaques, and awards from high school and before, high school and college yearbooks, pictures from prom, etc.  Do I take them or do I toss them.  While I had made a decision on some of the items that is much of the decisions still to be made but I also realized tonight that some of this also affects my outlook on life.  I honestly think if I had been moving a year ago, most awards and recognitions from the past would have been important for me to take with me.  Now they are easier to consider expendable.

What's the difference?  I have always struggled with my self worth and feeling important.  The awards and recognition I have received at times have been highlights for me as they've given big boost to my self-esteem.  Over the years as I have given up on some dreams I have hung on to those awards as a way to look back and see value and accomplishment in my life.  I've spent the last number of years in one sense living in the past or re-living the "glory days" instead of making my current days glorious.  I was living with past memories instead of creating new ones.

Today my perspective is different.  I have a lot to live for.  My worth is not based on who I was or what I did.  My worth is based on who I am today and who I am becoming - more realistically who God is creating and forming me to be.  I will no longer live in the past or get my value from my "glory days" but I will spend my time making my current days glorious which will create new memories and new moments to reflect not on my own accomplishment but rather on what God can do with a soul continually yielded to Him.

So today I'll sort, pack, and throw some things away so that tomorrow I can move toward a new beginning with new memories, new moments, and new glory as I continue to allow God to create in me a new person.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Starting Over

In many ways I feel like I'm starting over.  I am moving 1000 miles away from where I've spent the majority of my adult life and a part of the country that has been my home.  I will be looking for work, a home, a gym, a church, a doctor, insurance, etc, etc.  I know this move will bring stress with it and in the past stress has been one of the primary things that has driven me to eat.  I know the next month as I leave what I know for what I don't that I'll have to watch myself very carefully and the reality is I'm probably going to struggle.

There are some other ways I'm starting over as well.  I believe I'm healthier than I've been (at least I weigh less) for 18 years.  I'm getting in better shape a little at a time.  Most of the time I'm making good choices when it comes to food and activity level.  It used to be most of my choices were bad - it's how I ended up where I was.

The last 4 months have kind of been a roller coaster ride - although a small one.  By small I mean the highs and lows have not been terribly far apart but there was a lot of up and down within a fifteen pound range.  I think that is now getting fixed and the numbers starting to drop below where I've been stuck at.  I hope the next 30 days stay on track even if the weight loss is slow right now - I'm just hoping for consistent. 

As I move to a new city and "start over" I am also starting a new venture - well, not completely new but with a renewed focus and passion.  I'm working to build a speaking business that will both support me but also enable me to share my story in churches, schools, camps, and corporate settings so I can encourage others who may be struggling with similar issues.  My website can be found at http://www.cry4freedom.org/.

So while one chapter of my journey is quickly coming to a close I am both scared and excited about the new adventures I'm facing and I'm looking forward to continuing to learn who God created me to be and to see how my journey of life can impact people and help them become exactly who God wants them to be as well.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Defeats

This morning I shared my story with some friends at our Winter Retreat here at Spruce Lake.  This was the first time since we started doing presentations like this last May that I weighted more than the last presentation we made.  I didn't weigh a lot more but it was a little.

Last time I talked about victories.  Today I want to talk about defeats and today felt a little like one.  I do want to be careful not to beat myself up as I've still lost over 150 pounds and am in much better shape and much healthier than I was a year ago.  However, I think at times it is important to look at the times when we fall down - not to dwell on the defeat but to assess the reason for it and see if we can learn from those times.  So here are few of mine from the last year...

Mother's Day weekend - this was my first big blowout of the year.  In 2011 it was also my birthday.  I tend to reflect back around my birthday and use that time as a time to evaluate life.  I've done this in the past but I was having a lot of questions about whether my life has really made a difference or had an impact and wondering what legacy I am leaving behind.  Combining this with Mother's Day as I reflected on my relationship with my mom who passed away in 2006 and how much I know she wanted me to be healthy and while she'd be happy for me now I never received her attempts to help me very well.  All of these reflections were connecting with my self worth and seeing myself as a failure so I physically acted (ate) to "demonstrate" how I was feeling about myself.  My first big blowout.  A week later I had lost all I gained that weekend.

This fall there have been a number of defeats - they usually involve food choices more than exercise.  I was finding sticking to my schedule a little difficult but have starting meeting someone in the mornings and that has been a huge help to getting to the gym.  I am trying to track when I eat and why so and I know that eating has often been my response to being angry, frustrated, and/or lonely.  Today I weigh almost exactly what did 2.5 months ago so the last couple of months have had a lot of ups and downs but overall have stayed the same.  There has been more stress than previous years during this off season.  I've also been doing more analysis of life.  I think both of these have led to a stronger desire to eat.  Sometimes I'm able to control those desires and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes when I do eat I'm also able to keep myself eating healthy options so my snacking is still healthier than it used to be.  While that's better it still hasn't dealt with the root issue which is what I want and need to do.

So as I'm thinking about defeats I know I need to find a way to deal with life in a healthy manner so there are less "defeats."  I think I also need to see these defeats not as defeats or setbacks but part of a healthy lifestyle and journey that will always include hills to go up and down.

In the victories, in the defeats, and all along the journey God is still there, walking beside me, eating with me, and enjoying life together with me.  I am thankful for His presence, grace, counsel and support as He runs beside me on this road to freedom.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Victories

Friday morning I stood up in front of a group of men and shared my story briefly.  It was almost exactly a year ago I started working towards health.  I still have a ways to go.  But today I'm reflecting on the victories over the last year.  My next post may be on the defeats since there certainly have been those as well.  Let's start with the big obvious ones.

In 2011 I lost 150 pounds - an average weight person.  While I'm still overweight it's a really good start.  What does this mean for me?  I feel better.  I look better.  Clothes cost less.  Health insurance costs less (or would if I was getting a policy on my own rather than through work and a group plan).  I can fit into spaces I didn't used to be able to fit in.  I'm comfortable doing things I would not have been comfortable doing a year ago - like getting up off the floor without something to lean on or hold.

I set a number of goals in 2011 connected with my new lifestyle and I think I achieved every one.  That doesn't mean I couldn't have done more - some of my setbacks were pretty huge.  But I hit my targets.  I set a goal to lose 130 pounds and lost 150.  I set a goal to complete a 5k race and I completed two.  I issued a challenge to lose 100 pounds from May 22, 2011 to May 20, 2012 and while not there yet I am ahead of schedule with only 21 pounds to go.  I pledged to lose 50 pounds in the biggest loser pound for pound challenge and hit that number early in April.  That means 50 pounds of food was donated to a food bank in Allentown.  I made regular presentations throughout the summer and now again at our men's retreat last week in which I shared my current weight and at each presentation I was at least a little less than the presentation before.

At my doctor's appointment this fall I was happy to get on the scales and weigh in and took great joy in my doctors expression and encouragement in my work so far.  His comment "I guess you don't need those medications anymore" was what I was hoping to hear.  Blood work showed my blood sugar levels were normal which means I don't have diabetes and I know had I not made the changes I've made this year I would at least be headed in that direction.

There are some other victories that I hadn't thought about before but now I see them happening.  I now do things without thinking that I used to not do because I was scared - like climbing a ladder.  I see more people being excited for me and cheering for me than I expected - not that I didn't think people would notice but I guess I didn't realize how many people cared or how much they cared. 

One of the greatest victories in the last year is that I'm starting to be happy again.  I still have a ways to go but I'm not ashamed to look at myself in a mirror anymore.  I'm not embarrassed by my physical ability or lack of it very often anymore.  I'm rediscovering myself - maybe even becoming new all over again and I like what I'm finding.  I'm gaining confidence.  I'm starting to see possibilities and to dream again.  While this is also a little scary I had pretty much given up on dreaming and pursuing challenging goals.

I think the greatest victory of all is that God proved himself to me again.  And He didn't have to.  I wanted Him to but He's God - it was His call.  In December of 2010 when I was deciding to move forward on this journey towards health I remember singing the song "His grace is enough" and asking God if he'll really remember His child (me) and His promises to me.  He has and He continues to do exactly that.  God is gracious and His mercies are indeed new every morning to help, comfort, and guide one decision, one hour one day and one step at a time.

I don't know what your picture of God is - or maybe it's how you picture your guardian angel - if indeed we all have one.  But my new picture of God is my friend who meets me every day with sweats and running shoes on, ready to face the day together.  May 2012 be the year you discover a new picture of God for you that will help lead you closer to Him.

Less of Me.  More of Him.
-Eric