Crawling Back Up On the Wagon

In 2011 I began a journey. A journey that would change my life. The journey actually started before that, with a decision that came after countless hours of crying out to God for help and crying myself to sleep when help didn’t seem to arrive. And at a retreat in December of 2010 one of the songs the first night was Your Grace is Enough by Chris Tomlin.  I sat in my room that night asking God if I went on this journey, was He going to be faithful?  Was He going to remember his child?  Was He going to be enough?  And the answer was a resounding yes!  As we sang that song throughout that week, I sang it with a different attitude and a tearful cry, “remember your children, remember your people, remember your promise, O God.” And then I took a step.

Over the next 17 months I began to see food differently, I began to make healthier choices, and I began to understand that in my life food was a very real addiction. Not necessarily specific foods but how I used food. When others might turn to alcohol or drugs under stress, frustration, and anger, I turned to food. Someone else might have said, “I need a drink.” And in my mind that was equal to “I need a pizza.” And as these revelations were discovered and my choices got better God was indeed faithful in having my body respond to healthy choices the way He designed it to. And the result was losing 180 pounds in 17 months.

60 pounds short of my goal I left a job I loved, I moved halfway across the country without the promise of a job, and I started over. And over the next few years life got more difficult than expected and I lost my way. In losing my way I reverted to old habits and the weight came back on – all of it, and then some.  

When an addict goes into recovery, everybody is supportive – family, friends, community. When the addict falls off the wagon, they often find a little less support. The second, third, and fourth time, the support gets less and less. And suddenly the addict finds himself alone and the struggle to get back on the wagon seems almost impossible. This is what it seems and feels like to the addict. And sometimes, I’m sure it’s real. Other times, the addict may create this loneliness himself, by pushing people away or pulling away from those who want to help.

I think for me, it has been some of both. But here is what I’m learning. I am responsible for the decisions I make. I am responsible for how I react to situations, not the situations themselves. If there are those who dismiss me because I fell off the wagon, especially if I fall off time and time again, those people do not get to speak into my life and my choices will not be based on their response or reaction to my struggles. There is, however, a group of people, probably larger than I think, who are in my corner, cheering for me and wanting to support me, and I need to learn how to let them. And there are people who want to help but may not know how and instead of stopping them from helping or dismissing them, I need to let them know what I need and how they can help so they can be a part of my support structure.

There have been some events in my life and moments where the enemy managed to speak into my life. He spoke lies about who I was and for many years I believed those lies. Even during my years of ministry and helping people, even helping people find their true identities in Jesus and understanding who they are, those lies were still buried deep in my subconscious and would occasionally raise their ugly head to keep their hold on me.

About 7 years ago I was doing some counseling was able to identify these lies and where and when they came from and then I was asked to listen to the new, or true identity, God was giving to me. And those words and names I heard were that I am Innocent! I am likeable! I am clean, holy, and pure. I am a healer. God is not done with me yet. I am a rock that others can cling to. I am Eric the Innocent – a peaceful warrior. And because I am these things I will live my life as a son of God, as a child of the King – happy, healthy, active, and free. I will do this so that I can help lead others out of captivity and bondage and into freedom.

So, I get back up on the wagon. Some days it’s just stepping up and in and enjoying the ride. Other days, it’s like grabbing a hold of the side of the wagon and hanging on for dear life. And then some days, you’re sitting in the wagon, you start to fall, and find yourself hanging over the side with just your feet somehow still inside, and you try to keep from dragging on the ground.

This time though, it wasn’t just me getting back up on the wagon. This time it was a friend. This time it was someone who didn’t let me push her away. This time it was someone who knew a way to help and kept reaching out. And after a while of trying to pull away I finally realized here was a real offer of both help and hope. I reached out and took the hand being offered to me. I spent a year on the program, being inconsistent and I’m sure making my coach wonder why she kept reaching out to me to start with. But the coaching and the community that are a part of this program got to me. And I started to see again the people around me that support me and want to be and are becoming part of my journey and my story.  

And so, my community grows. My support system gets stronger. My new identity takes hold and sinks in deeper and deeper. And I got more focused. And then I ended up in the hospital – but that story will come later. In the first year of ups and downs and being inconsistent I did manage to still drop about 25 pounds. As the focus came back the pounds started to go down and then, a distraction. The longer story will prove the distraction was probably a good thing but at the time it was frustrating. It did take a couple days after being out of the hospital to get back on track.

Since getting out of the hospital on June 3 I have dropped another 44 pounds. And that means I’m down just over 70 since re-starting this journey. And so far, I’m staying on the wagon, at least not falling completely off. What’s the difference?  I don’t know if it’s the only one but when you have a community surrounding you, in the wagon with you, forming a wall around the edge of the wagon, it’s a lot harder to fall off.

So I stay on the program, I follow the plan, and I see what God, the giver of life, has in store for me next.

Less of me. More of Him,

-Eric

 

 

 

 

  

The Life of Freedom (Galatians 5:1-10, MSG)

 1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.

2-3 I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ’s hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law.
...
4-6 I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.

7-10 You were running superbly! Who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience? This detour doesn’t come from the One who called you into the race in the first place. And please don’t toss this off as insignificant. It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread. Deep down, the Master has given me confidence that you will not defect. But the one who is upsetting you, whoever he is, will bear the divine judgment.

My notes - with a few thoughts/words borrowed from Pastor Steve at Grace & Truth...

 1. You were set free to live free - stay that way! Don't let anyone enslave you again - even yourself.

2. The moment you allow yourself to be enslaved again - by anything - the gift of freedom is voided - or traded - for the yoke of slavery.

3. When you try to do it on your own you cut Jesus out of your life even if you claim by word or deed to be waiting expectantly for Him. All that matters when our relationship is right is faith expressed in love - which for me means fellowship or being together with others.

4. I was running superbly - everyone would testify to it. Who cut in on me? I did. I caused the detour. The enemy was only too happy to help but it was me. The enemy may have planted yeast but I started trying to do this on my own - I accepted the gift as something I earned or deserved rather than just being a gift of walking/running the race with Jesus. I have had to endure the judgment of shame and embarrassment for gaining the weight back and realizing I was walking by myself rather than with Jesus.

The good news is I don't have to stay there. I can and am walking away and walking with God as together we lace up our running shoes and hit the trails. I thought I'd take a break from the path I was on and live a "normal" life for a while. But what I thought was normal was really only bondage and not life at all.

Here's to life, every day running with Jesus, and never being or seeking normal again.

Less of me. More of Him.

 

-Eric

Lost my way

On May 20, 2012 I accomplished a great feat.  Or at least that was a day to celebrate the accomplishment. Knowing that day was coming even in the 6 weeks prior to that day that included a move across country I had maintained my workouts and my eating regimen. At least I had done it pretty well.  Well enough to hit my targets and the goals I had set for that day. 

And then I came home to a job I didn't love and left shortly after returning home. I'm now on my third job since moving here and life has been a struggle.  As the title of this post says I feel like I've lost my way.  I quickly reverted back to my old habits - granted, pizza delivery and fast food options are much more prevalent where I live now then where I used to live but that's not an excuse.  There were some things in my new lifestyle that I simply stopped doing but as always the biggest things are food choices and activity levels and my lifestyle the last few months have not been healthy ones.  As a result of old habits not only have a significant number of pounds come back on but some of the old feelings about myself including a lower level of confidence and feelings of shame have crept back in. I can probably sum it up by reversing my sign off: most recently it's been, Less of Him, more of me.

I know that God created us as whole beings. That means all parts of us affect other parts. Every component of our life is woven together and when we struggle in one area all areas are affected.  This is not just a health battle for me. It's spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional.  It's just a battle - an all encompassing battle.

This week I've had several thoughts running through my head.  Can I get back on track?  If I get it together now can I still hit my original goal of reaching my target weight by May 19, 2013? Do I have or can I find the motivation, inspiration, and courage to get back on track? Can I find my way home?  Will God be faithful again or still if I get back into the race?

The answer to the last question is a resounding yes - God is faithful. God has always been faithful. God will always be faithful.  There is no doubt about this.

I know how I was feeling when I first moved here. My confidence level was fairly high. I was excited about life. I was happy. I was proud of what I had done. I felt like anything was possible.  In the last few months a lot of those feelings have changed.  As I've been thinking about where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going the biggest question from the list above that remains to be answered is whether or not I have or can find the motivation, inspiration, and courage to once again face my fears and my enemy and start moving forward.  What's happened is done and I can't change it. But tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities and temptations with many opportunities to make decisions - healthy or unhealthy.

Can I find the courage to move forward again?  The answer that has been going through my head is that if I don't find it, I die - no matter how long I exist on this earth or how many breaths I have left.  The life I was living and headed toward was life - the existence I've had the last couple months feels a little more like death.

So as I get back in the game I do ask that you pray for me.  I also give you permission to check up on me and see how I'm doing.  Can I still hit my target weight by May 19, 2013?  I don't know. But if I don't hit it until August does it really matter?  I will be alive and truly living and that's what matters.  So I will be setting up some new mile markers along the way and some of you may get invites to do some things with me as I reach new goals. 

As I finish this post the clock is striking midnight - it is literally a new day.  Here's to a new day and new life.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Less of me. More of Him.

- Eric

Passing the Buck

Genesis 3 tells us the story of the first recorded sin in the Bible.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Yes, they were tempted by the serpent and even lied to by the serpent but then thats normal - the enemy will always lie to us to try to trap us into sin.  When God came to walk with Adam and Eve they hid from God.  But God called and Adam answered.  God asked them if they had eaten the forbidden fruit and Adam's first response was to blame Eve.  Eve's first response was to blame the serpent.  It would seem our natural human tendency is to pass the buck - to blame someone else for our mistakes.

I'm not sure why this is our natural tendency - maybe because we don't want to take responsibility.  Maybe we don't want to admit we've failed.  Maybe we don't want to admit we need help.  That was me.  I blamed everything else for why I ate.  I blamed it on the person that made me mad or the situation that caused me stress.  It almost seems like I thought if I was eating in response to a situation that the calories didn't count or they'd go away when the situation got better.  But that wasn't the case. 

While it's true I am not responsible for things that are done to me - I am responsible for how I respond.  When I eat in response to stress, loneliness, anger, or any other outside stimulus I am responsible for that choice.  My name is Eric.  I'm a believer in Christ who struggles with food and making healthy eating choices.  I am responsible for every calorie that goes in and every calorie that gets burned off.  At least I'm responsible for the choices that burn extra calories - God created my body to do the burning.

Instead of always blaming others we have to own our sin, our weakness, and our failures and admit that we are powerless and our lives are out of control.  Then we're prepared to recognize that a power greater than us, Jesus, is able to fully restore us to sanity as we turn our will and life over to Him.  My journey has been and continues to be all about willpower - my will submitted to God's power.  When my will is not submitted I don't make good choices.  When it is, we win.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Stability

I've been in Alabama for 10 weeks.  I've had two different jobs during that time while also some time between jobs.  I'm still not real excited about where I'm working.  I haven't locked into a church home yet.  I haven't found a CR program yet.  I spend some time with my family in the area but most of my time I'm by myself.  I've described the experience as being unstable or lacking stability.  And a lack of stability creates higher stress for me and my natural response is to want to eat. 

So in the last month I have put back on some of the pounds I had lost and even the month prior to finishing the fundraiser weight loss challenge I struggled - I completed the task but it could have been more. 

God is trying to teach me something in this.  I haven't been listening very well yet or paying enough attention so I'm only starting to get it.  And it's something I've taught before - I just never had to make it as real in my own life as I do now. 

Stability or lack of is determined by where your feet are planted - not the circumstances of life going on around you.  It's the simple lesson we learned in Sunday School so many years ago - but now I have to put it into practice.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."  Matthew 7:24-27.

When my feet are planted solidly on The Rock - Jesus Christ, I have stability in my life.  When they aren't, I don't.  The circumstances or winds of life are not what determine if I have stability.  They actually don't really matter at all.  What matters is where my feet are planted.  In the last 10 weeks I feel like maybe I've been slipping sometimes - like my feet while on the rock have not been planted so well.  This is the lesson God is wanting to teach me right now in real life - real time - and not just a Bible story.

God, plant my feet on the rock of Jesus and keep them there.  Help me to keep my focus on where my feet are planted rather than what's going on around me.  Through this grant me the stability that allows for continued good choices when it comes to food, exercise, and how I spend my time.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Returning "home"

I'm back at Spruce Lake Retreat in Canadensis, PA.  This is where my journey of lifestyle changes started and I'm back to finish a portion of that journey.  One year ago I issued a challenge that I would lose an additional 100 pounds by May 20, 2012.  Additionally I invited and challenged people to pledge money towards Spruce Lake's building project for every pound I lose during the year.  I'm back to weigh in tomorrow to see how much I lost and how much money will go to the new building.  I'm also going to be sharing a bit of what I have and am learning along the way.  I'm not going to cheat and give you the numbers now - plus I'm still anticipating two strong workouts before that weigh in so hoping it drops a bit more.

Here's a teaser for tomorrow's presentation: What's the difference between magic and a miracle?  What are you hoping for in your life and are you praying for and looking for a miracle or simply the miraculous?  If you want to hear the remainder of these thoughts you'll need to make your way to Spruce Lake Retreat tomorrow by 6pm. Or you can get them from the sermon archives at Grace & Truth in Birmingham, AL.  Thanks to Steve Longenecker for prompting these thoughts.

Less of me.  More of Him.

- Eric

Who would have thought?

I arrived in Birmingham, AL on Wednesday, April 11, 2012.  On Thursday, I made a couple calls about jobs and filled out some applications online.  On Friday I had two interviews and ended up with two job offers.  I turned down that I'm sure I would have made at least double the money but may not have been as happy at.  Today was my first day of work at the other location.

Fifteen months ago when I was weighing in at 430 pounds who would have had any thought that I'd be working at a gym.  But now, 166 pounds later, here I am.  Working to inspire others to want to be healthy and helping them make the decision to do so.  I'll also be working with businesses in the area to sell corporate memberships and promote wellness in their organizations.  There is a good chance, if I'm interested in pursuing it, that I'll also be able to be certified as a personal trainer and be able to take on clients.

Who would have thought?  Who would have thought I'd be able to shop at a normal clothing store?  Who would have thought I'd like the way I look?  Who would have thought I could be an inspiration to anyone?  Who would have thought I'd be free of medications?  Who would have thought?

The answer is simple.  God didn't just think this was possible - He knew it was.  And when I started listening and being obedient to Him in my lifestyle choices He made pounds fall off and my body start to take the shape it's supposed to be in. 

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric