Sunday, January 29, 2012

Defeats

This morning I shared my story with some friends at our Winter Retreat here at Spruce Lake.  This was the first time since we started doing presentations like this last May that I weighted more than the last presentation we made.  I didn't weigh a lot more but it was a little.

Last time I talked about victories.  Today I want to talk about defeats and today felt a little like one.  I do want to be careful not to beat myself up as I've still lost over 150 pounds and am in much better shape and much healthier than I was a year ago.  However, I think at times it is important to look at the times when we fall down - not to dwell on the defeat but to assess the reason for it and see if we can learn from those times.  So here are few of mine from the last year...

Mother's Day weekend - this was my first big blowout of the year.  In 2011 it was also my birthday.  I tend to reflect back around my birthday and use that time as a time to evaluate life.  I've done this in the past but I was having a lot of questions about whether my life has really made a difference or had an impact and wondering what legacy I am leaving behind.  Combining this with Mother's Day as I reflected on my relationship with my mom who passed away in 2006 and how much I know she wanted me to be healthy and while she'd be happy for me now I never received her attempts to help me very well.  All of these reflections were connecting with my self worth and seeing myself as a failure so I physically acted (ate) to "demonstrate" how I was feeling about myself.  My first big blowout.  A week later I had lost all I gained that weekend.

This fall there have been a number of defeats - they usually involve food choices more than exercise.  I was finding sticking to my schedule a little difficult but have starting meeting someone in the mornings and that has been a huge help to getting to the gym.  I am trying to track when I eat and why so and I know that eating has often been my response to being angry, frustrated, and/or lonely.  Today I weigh almost exactly what did 2.5 months ago so the last couple of months have had a lot of ups and downs but overall have stayed the same.  There has been more stress than previous years during this off season.  I've also been doing more analysis of life.  I think both of these have led to a stronger desire to eat.  Sometimes I'm able to control those desires and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes when I do eat I'm also able to keep myself eating healthy options so my snacking is still healthier than it used to be.  While that's better it still hasn't dealt with the root issue which is what I want and need to do.

So as I'm thinking about defeats I know I need to find a way to deal with life in a healthy manner so there are less "defeats."  I think I also need to see these defeats not as defeats or setbacks but part of a healthy lifestyle and journey that will always include hills to go up and down.

In the victories, in the defeats, and all along the journey God is still there, walking beside me, eating with me, and enjoying life together with me.  I am thankful for His presence, grace, counsel and support as He runs beside me on this road to freedom.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Monday, January 16, 2012

Victories

Friday morning I stood up in front of a group of men and shared my story briefly.  It was almost exactly a year ago I started working towards health.  I still have a ways to go.  But today I'm reflecting on the victories over the last year.  My next post may be on the defeats since there certainly have been those as well.  Let's start with the big obvious ones.

In 2011 I lost 150 pounds - an average weight person.  While I'm still overweight it's a really good start.  What does this mean for me?  I feel better.  I look better.  Clothes cost less.  Health insurance costs less (or would if I was getting a policy on my own rather than through work and a group plan).  I can fit into spaces I didn't used to be able to fit in.  I'm comfortable doing things I would not have been comfortable doing a year ago - like getting up off the floor without something to lean on or hold.

I set a number of goals in 2011 connected with my new lifestyle and I think I achieved every one.  That doesn't mean I couldn't have done more - some of my setbacks were pretty huge.  But I hit my targets.  I set a goal to lose 130 pounds and lost 150.  I set a goal to complete a 5k race and I completed two.  I issued a challenge to lose 100 pounds from May 22, 2011 to May 20, 2012 and while not there yet I am ahead of schedule with only 21 pounds to go.  I pledged to lose 50 pounds in the biggest loser pound for pound challenge and hit that number early in April.  That means 50 pounds of food was donated to a food bank in Allentown.  I made regular presentations throughout the summer and now again at our men's retreat last week in which I shared my current weight and at each presentation I was at least a little less than the presentation before.

At my doctor's appointment this fall I was happy to get on the scales and weigh in and took great joy in my doctors expression and encouragement in my work so far.  His comment "I guess you don't need those medications anymore" was what I was hoping to hear.  Blood work showed my blood sugar levels were normal which means I don't have diabetes and I know had I not made the changes I've made this year I would at least be headed in that direction.

There are some other victories that I hadn't thought about before but now I see them happening.  I now do things without thinking that I used to not do because I was scared - like climbing a ladder.  I see more people being excited for me and cheering for me than I expected - not that I didn't think people would notice but I guess I didn't realize how many people cared or how much they cared. 

One of the greatest victories in the last year is that I'm starting to be happy again.  I still have a ways to go but I'm not ashamed to look at myself in a mirror anymore.  I'm not embarrassed by my physical ability or lack of it very often anymore.  I'm rediscovering myself - maybe even becoming new all over again and I like what I'm finding.  I'm gaining confidence.  I'm starting to see possibilities and to dream again.  While this is also a little scary I had pretty much given up on dreaming and pursuing challenging goals.

I think the greatest victory of all is that God proved himself to me again.  And He didn't have to.  I wanted Him to but He's God - it was His call.  In December of 2010 when I was deciding to move forward on this journey towards health I remember singing the song "His grace is enough" and asking God if he'll really remember His child (me) and His promises to me.  He has and He continues to do exactly that.  God is gracious and His mercies are indeed new every morning to help, comfort, and guide one decision, one hour one day and one step at a time.

I don't know what your picture of God is - or maybe it's how you picture your guardian angel - if indeed we all have one.  But my new picture of God is my friend who meets me every day with sweats and running shoes on, ready to face the day together.  May 2012 be the year you discover a new picture of God for you that will help lead you closer to Him.

Less of Me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Oops

It's been a few weeks since I've written.  There are multiple reasons but one is that it's been a few weeks since I've felt good about my decisions on this journey I'm on.  Not all of my decisions have been bad the last 3-4 weeks but it seems there may have been more bad than good.  Or at least the bad were really bad.  The short story: calorie counts and sodium counts were high while exercise was mediocre at best - with a couple of really good days and a couple sedentary days.

There were some definite positives:
  • Spent some time with family
  • Had some away time to think and reflect
  • Finished my second 5k a couple minutes faster than the first one
Yesterday morning in our staff prayer time I heard a few things as I listened to what God may want to share with me.  The primary thing I heard that I think applies to how I spent my last few weeks is this:

"You are still striving on your own too much - trying to handle stress, loneliness, anger, and disappointment by yourself.  Let Jesus have that stuff.  He can handle it.  It's why I gave Him to you."

Thanks God.  What an awesome present offered to each of us.  May we remember during this time of celebrating that gift.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Anonymity of the Drive-thru.

A couple weeks ago I was sharing with a small group about some of my struggles and in my sharing I used the phrase "the anonymity of the drive-thru."  We were just getting to know each other at the time and so were sharing some of our stories with each other.  Since that time I have thought more about this and wanted to share some of my thoughts here.

I was brought up nutritionally sound.  Mom wasn't the fanciest cook around but we had healthy balanced meals that for the most part looked and tasted good.  There were certainly some recipes I preferred to others - no doubt about it.  We ate most of our meals at home rather than going out to eat.  We didn't have sugar coated cereals, candy, soda or potato chips in the house very often.  We did have cookies and ice cream around a little more but they still weren't a daily part of our meals.

So, from an early age, I had a general idea of what was good for me and what wasn't.  I will admit I did pick up the idea somewhere that to eat the stuff that wasn't good for me was more than just unhealthy - it was wrong.  That meant that if I was going to do it I had to try to do it without anyone seeing me do it so I wouldn't get caught.  This made for an interesting dynamic sometimes. 

I can remember "sneaking" cookies from the freezer or checking the time to see if I could take some ice cream, eat it, and wash the bowl and spoon before anyone got home so I wouldn't get caught.  This escalated as I got a little older, started working, and starting buying snacks or junk food after work or on the way home.  For the most part I still tried to keep this hidden so I wouldn't have to admit to doing something wrong.  For much of my life I attributed doing something wrong with being wrong.  I am still in process of moving past that concept. 

Growing up I enjoyed a fairly active life which means some of the unhealthy choices were not having a significant effect on my physical health because I was still burning a lot of calories during the day.  No doubt in high school I was a little big.  Had I played football - nobody would have thought about it - I would have been the perfect size.  Playing soccer it didn't work quite the same but I still played.  It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I started to put on significant weight.  I can't say that's the year I discovered the "drive-thru" but it is the year it became a more regular part of my routine.

I chose not to play soccer my senior year.  Instead I hung out with friends either at school or a fast food restaurant after school was out.  There were a number of days when I would leave to go home I'd find myself heading to a fast food restaurant and going through the drive through on my way home.  Because I knew it was wrong and didn't want my parents to know I did that I would still eat supper with them when I got home.  Not only was I now eating unhealthy food I was also eating way too much because I was eating two dinners.  Being less active because of not playing soccer helped the pounds start to add on.

My real question is why did and do I still sometimes find the drive-thru so attractive?  I think it's because I felt like I was not as likely to be seen or "caught" if I went through a drive through instead of going into the restaurant.  In thinking about this concept recently I would still be more likely to order more when I go through a drive through than if I went in and ordered my food - even if ordering it to go.  Why?  Less people will see me do it.  Very rarely have I gone through a drive through because it was faster or more efficient.  I said that's why I did it but I really don't think it was.  A few weeks ago I did go through a drive thru. (Yes, I still sometimes eat unhealthy food.)  As I pulled into line with about 4 cars ahead of me to order, a guy walked out of the restaurant and said "there's no line inside."  It would have been much faster for me to park, go inside and order my food to go, and go back to the car but I stayed in line.  Why?  Anonymity.  Less people would see.

Why do I prefer to have my pizza delivered?  Less people to see.  Yes, I don't have to go out either - but that's not the real reason - it's the anonymity, the not "getting caught."  Is there anything wrong with having a drive-thru?  Is there anything wrong with using it? Is there anything wrong with having food delivered? Is there even anything wrong with eating any of the foods I've mentioned in this post?  Not necessarily.  It's about how we use them and how they affect us.  From the food end it's about balance and planning our calorie intake so it corresponds with our activity level. 

So my encouragement today is to analyze the choices you make to see what the reasons are behind them.  As I change my lifestyle and habits to be healthy I continue to recognize this journey is not about weight loss - it's about life change.  The weight loss is a side benefit.  Granted -its an important one but is still the side effect of the changed life and not the goal in and of itself.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Friday, November 4, 2011

Redemption

Many times we think of redemption, at least from a Christian worldview, as what God did and does for us.  And that is redemption.  But that is not all that redemption is.  That is one specific form of or kind of redemption.  God restores us to relationship with him by offering us forgiveness of sin through Jesus' atoning death and resurrection.  

Today I want to think about our part in redemption and I'm going to take it out of the context of sin and broken relationship with God.  I believe God created each of us for a purpose.  I also believe that everything in my life is there for a purpose.  When something in my life is out of line with it's purpose it is in need of redemption.  The process of redemption then is to identify the purpose, identify its current condition, and then to bring it in line with it's purpose.

Here's an example that those who know me well at least should be able to laugh a little about - my car.  For most of my life my car has been a storage space for a variety of things including trash and old things that need to be thrown out but haven't been yet.  And if that's the purpose of my car then I spent way too much money on it.  :)  So let's re-think this for a moment.

The purpose of my car is to provide a clean, comfortable space that makes traveling enjoyable for myself and any guests I may invite into that space.  At the time I started this process of redeeming my car lets just say my car was something less than the stated purpose.  So redemption, was taking my car from the condition it was in to a condition that now fulfills its purpose - bringing my car into line with what it's supposed to be.  Is my car perfect?  No.  Is it clean?  Most of the time and I'm committed to not letting it be dirty for long.  Would I be embarrassed to offer someone a ride?  No.  And that's the difference.

So what does that have to do with losing weight, getting in shape and being healthy?  Is being overweight a sin?  Not necessarily.  I believe God desires for his children to be healthy.  Do we all need to be athletes?  Absolutely not.  Does health look the same for everyone?  No way.  Are some people predisposed to obesity and weight gain?  Maybe - I'm not a doctor so won't even try to answer that exclusively. 

I actually started looking at this as how I view and treat food.  I needed to redeem my meal times.  Food was either an afterthought or an end goal for me.  What's for supper tonight?  I don't know.  What will taste great or make me feel good?  There's nothing wrong with great tasting food - it's still my preference.  The difference is the purpose of that food and that meal time.  The food is to provide me with fuel so I can live the life I want and God wants me to live.  Since viewing it as fuel I now check the ingredients to make sure it is good fuel.  I haven't arrived yet but I am working to also make my meal times intentional times of communing with God and times of personal reflection.  So the time I spend eating is now becoming a holy time and a sacred time. 

I have a lot of other things I am now working on to go through this same process with as well - identifying their purpose, their current state, and then bringing them in line with their purpose.  I am working to redeem the physical spaces in my life and my time.  As I do this God is continuing to bring me in line with his purpose for me which means I continue to be redeemed.  The result?

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

Sunday, October 23, 2011

First time for everything

There really is a first time for everything.  I've seen a number of firsts over the last few months but October's firsts may be sticking out a little more because some of them are first time ever occurrences rather than just first time since starting this journey.  Here is October's list...
  • October 1: Completed a 5k race
  • October 21: First strength training workout since starting this journey
  • October 22: Climbed Spruce Mountain
  • October 30: (still to come) Preaching and sharing my journey personally outside of Spruce Lake since beginning this journey.
  • Hit my first real plateau in this journey - stayed right around the same weight or even added a couple pounds in the last month.
These are some firsts that are tangible and available for all to see.  There are some others that it's possible that nobody but me will notice.  While stretching prior to a workout this month I was able to touch my toes with legs straight and knees locked.  I later picked something up off the floor standing in that position.  Those were firsts.  Putting on a 3x shirt and thinking - I can wear it but it's really too big.  Sitting in an office chair with a hydraulic lift and not having it sink to it's lowest level because there's too much weight on it.  I even did a couple exercises with the trainer that I had to climb up onto an apparatus to do them and I would never have tried them even now without a trainer there to push me - but I was able to do them and proud of the accomplishment after the fact.

Those are some firsts that are exciting and I'm happy for and proud of.  I'm not as proud of the current plateau but I know it's normal.  I also know that the journey I'm on is one of a changed life and a new lifestyle and the numbers on the scale are only a result of the changed life, not the goal themselves.  I will continue to live my life with my renewed commitment to health and wellness and let the numbers fall where they will - and I know they will fall.

While I am proud of these accomplishments and know I should be celebrating them sometimes I feel a little lame in doing so.  After all - what's the big deal?  I'm just doing what I think everyone should be able to do and likely does as they live their life.  Celebrating it because it's a first for me makes me feel a little foolish at times even though I don't think it should.  It does make me wonder if there are still some self image issues in need of change and if changing those would then make me more ready and excited to celebrate these and more firsts that will be coming.

Learning to celebrate will be explored in a future blog post I'm sure.  For now I take the firsts in stride and keep moving knowing every step draws me closer to the man God created me to be.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Green Circle 5k (First ever)

October 1, 2011 I participated in the Green Circle 5k in Winchester, VA.  This was a celebration of going under the 300 pound mark which I had hit a few weeks earlier.  It was a cold and rainy day - not usually a time I'd be headed out for a run, or in this case walk.

I had a lot of emotions going in.  I was excited to do something I'd never done before.  I was a little nervous about doing it because it was new but I was confident I'd be able to finish the course.  I certainly struggled with whether or not I "belonged" there mixed in with all the runners and athletes. 

Friday night I had arrived in Winchester, had dinner with some friends and bought a quality pair of running shoes.  New shoes on I went to the registration table on Saturday and got my number.  Some stretching and warming up and I joined the group at the starting line.  After some instructions the race was started we were on our way. 

Never having done one of these before I really had no idea what to expect.  I was pleasantly surprised to find volunteers every little way making sure we were headed the right way but all of them were supportive and encouraging as I passed them.  There were also enough of them that it wasn't long after passing one that the next one was in sight.  This made it very easy to keep going and set a short term goal - get to that next station.

I had set three goals before I started: two primary ones and a secondary one.  My first goal was to finish and my second to not stop for any breaks.  I did slow down when I wanted to drink so I didn't get water all over me but as wet as I was from the rain that probably wouldn't have mattered.  I did drop my water bottle at one point but was able to pick it up without stopping my movement and therefore still meet that goal.  My third goal was to finish in under an hour if I could.  I accomplished all three.  My time was 54:48.  That means I did a little better than 3 miles/hour which I was actually pretty excited about since I walked all but about 3 minutes of the time.  I jogged a few steps a couple of times but mostly stuck to walking.

There was a 1 mile kids fun run that started 45 minutes after the 5k and used the last part of the 5k course.  This meant I crossed the finish line with a bunch of children completing their run.  It did make me feel a little out of place but my goal was not to finish before them.  Next time it will be.  I finished 160th overall and 13th in my age division.  :)  Of course there were only 160 participants and 13 in my age division.  My competetive side never likes coming in last but since the goal at this event was to finish, where I placed didn't matter.

I did discover a couple of things. 
  • 5k (3.1 miles) is not that far and I was easily able to finish
  • I had more left when I was done so I could have gone farther or faster.
  • The encouragement I received from the volunteers and participants made the race easier.
  • At the end of the day I only had 11,000 some steps in (I had more the day before).  :)
Overall it was a good experience.  I got to meet some great people.  I don't quite know if I can say it was fun but I did enjoy doing it.  I'm glad I did it and I plan to do some more.  I do see it as good discipline and the training for them will actually be the most physically beneficial part while the completing of them is likely an important psychological part of my journey. 

I am planning to participate in the Jingle Bell Run with my brother in Birmingham, AL on December 10.  I'm hoping for a little warmer weather and a little better time.

Less me me.  More of Him.
-Eric