Oops

It's been a few weeks since I've written.  There are multiple reasons but one is that it's been a few weeks since I've felt good about my decisions on this journey I'm on.  Not all of my decisions have been bad the last 3-4 weeks but it seems there may have been more bad than good.  Or at least the bad were really bad.  The short story: calorie counts and sodium counts were high while exercise was mediocre at best - with a couple of really good days and a couple sedentary days.

There were some definite positives:

• Spent some time with family
• Had some away time to think and reflect
• Finished my second 5k a couple minutes faster than the first one

Yesterday morning in our staff prayer time I heard a few things as I listened to what God may want to share with me.  The primary thing I heard that I think applies to how I spent my last few weeks is this:

"You are still striving on your own too much - trying to handle stress, loneliness, anger, and disappointment by yourself.  Let Jesus have that stuff.  He can handle it.  It's why I gave Him to you."

Thanks God.  What an awesome present offered to each of us.  May we remember during this time of celebrating that gift.

Less of me.  More of Him.
Eric

The Anonymity of the Drive-thru.

A couple weeks ago I was sharing with a small group about some of my struggles and in my sharing I used the phrase "the anonymity of the drive-thru."  We were just getting to know each other at the time and so were sharing some of our stories with each other.  Since that time I have thought more about this and wanted to share some of my thoughts here.

I was brought up nutritionally sound.  Mom wasn't the fanciest cook around but we had healthy balanced meals that for the most part looked and tasted good.  There were certainly some recipes I preferred to others - no doubt about it.  We ate most of our meals at home rather than going out to eat.  We didn't have sugar coated cereals, candy, soda or potato chips in the house very often.  We did have cookies and ice cream around a little more but they still weren't a daily part of our meals.

So, from an early age, I had a general idea of what was good for me and what wasn't.  I will admit I did pick up the idea somewhere that to eat the stuff that wasn't good for me was more than just unhealthy - it was wrong.  That meant that if I was going to do it I had to try to do it without anyone seeing me do it so I wouldn't get caught.  This made for an interesting dynamic sometimes. 

I can remember "sneaking" cookies from the freezer or checking the time to see if I could take some ice cream, eat it, and wash the bowl and spoon before anyone got home so I wouldn't get caught.  This escalated as I got a little older, started working, and starting buying snacks or junk food after work or on the way home.  For the most part I still tried to keep this hidden so I wouldn't have to admit to doing something wrong.  For much of my life I attributed doing something wrong with being wrong.  I am still in process of moving past that concept. 

Growing up I enjoyed a fairly active life which means some of the unhealthy choices were not having a significant effect on my physical health because I was still burning a lot of calories during the day.  No doubt in high school I was a little big.  Had I played football - nobody would have thought about it - I would have been the perfect size.  Playing soccer it didn't work quite the same but I still played.  It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I started to put on significant weight.  I can't say that's the year I discovered the "drive-thru" but it is the year it became a more regular part of my routine.

I chose not to play soccer my senior year.  Instead I hung out with friends either at school or a fast food restaurant after school was out.  There were a number of days when I would leave to go home I'd find myself heading to a fast food restaurant and going through the drive through on my way home.  Because I knew it was wrong and didn't want my parents to know I did that I would still eat supper with them when I got home.  Not only was I now eating unhealthy food I was also eating way too much because I was eating two dinners.  Being less active because of not playing soccer helped the pounds start to add on.

My real question is why did and do I still sometimes find the drive-thru so attractive?  I think it's because I felt like I was not as likely to be seen or "caught" if I went through a drive through instead of going into the restaurant.  In thinking about this concept recently I would still be more likely to order more when I go through a drive through than if I went in and ordered my food - even if ordering it to go.  Why?  Less people will see me do it.  Very rarely have I gone through a drive through because it was faster or more efficient.  I said that's why I did it but I really don't think it was.  A few weeks ago I did go through a drive thru. (Yes, I still sometimes eat unhealthy food.)  As I pulled into line with about 4 cars ahead of me to order, a guy walked out of the restaurant and said "there's no line inside."  It would have been much faster for me to park, go inside and order my food to go, and go back to the car but I stayed in line.  Why?  Anonymity.  Less people would see.

Why do I prefer to have my pizza delivered?  Less people to see.  Yes, I don't have to go out either - but that's not the real reason - it's the anonymity, the not "getting caught."  Is there anything wrong with having a drive-thru?  Is there anything wrong with using it? Is there anything wrong with having food delivered? Is there even anything wrong with eating any of the foods I've mentioned in this post?  Not necessarily.  It's about how we use them and how they affect us.  From the food end it's about balance and planning our calorie intake so it corresponds with our activity level. 

So my encouragement today is to analyze the choices you make to see what the reasons are behind them.  As I change my lifestyle and habits to be healthy I continue to recognize this journey is not about weight loss - it's about life change.  The weight loss is a side benefit.  Granted -its an important one but is still the side effect of the changed life and not the goal in and of itself.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Redemption

Many times we think of redemption, at least from a Christian worldview, as what God did and does for us.  And that is redemption.  But that is not all that redemption is.  That is one specific form of or kind of redemption.  God restores us to relationship with him by offering us forgiveness of sin through Jesus' atoning death and resurrection.  

Today I want to think about our part in redemption and I'm going to take it out of the context of sin and broken relationship with God.  I believe God created each of us for a purpose.  I also believe that everything in my life is there for a purpose.  When something in my life is out of line with it's purpose it is in need of redemption.  The process of redemption then is to identify the purpose, identify its current condition, and then to bring it in line with it's purpose.

Here's an example that those who know me well at least should be able to laugh a little about - my car.  For most of my life my car has been a storage space for a variety of things including trash and old things that need to be thrown out but haven't been yet.  And if that's the purpose of my car then I spent way too much money on it.  :)  So let's re-think this for a moment.

The purpose of my car is to provide a clean, comfortable space that makes traveling enjoyable for myself and any guests I may invite into that space.  At the time I started this process of redeeming my car lets just say my car was something less than the stated purpose.  So redemption, was taking my car from the condition it was in to a condition that now fulfills its purpose - bringing my car into line with what it's supposed to be.  Is my car perfect?  No.  Is it clean?  Most of the time and I'm committed to not letting it be dirty for long.  Would I be embarrassed to offer someone a ride?  No.  And that's the difference.

So what does that have to do with losing weight, getting in shape and being healthy?  Is being overweight a sin?  Not necessarily.  I believe God desires for his children to be healthy.  Do we all need to be athletes?  Absolutely not.  Does health look the same for everyone?  No way.  Are some people predisposed to obesity and weight gain?  Maybe - I'm not a doctor so won't even try to answer that exclusively. 

I actually started looking at this as how I view and treat food.  I needed to redeem my meal times.  Food was either an afterthought or an end goal for me.  What's for supper tonight?  I don't know.  What will taste great or make me feel good?  There's nothing wrong with great tasting food - it's still my preference.  The difference is the purpose of that food and that meal time.  The food is to provide me with fuel so I can live the life I want and God wants me to live.  Since viewing it as fuel I now check the ingredients to make sure it is good fuel.  I haven't arrived yet but I am working to also make my meal times intentional times of communing with God and times of personal reflection.  So the time I spend eating is now becoming a holy time and a sacred time. 

I have a lot of other things I am now working on to go through this same process with as well - identifying their purpose, their current state, and then bringing them in line with their purpose.  I am working to redeem the physical spaces in my life and my time.  As I do this God is continuing to bring me in line with his purpose for me which means I continue to be redeemed.  The result?

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric

First time for everything

There really is a first time for everything.  I've seen a number of firsts over the last few months but October's firsts may be sticking out a little more because some of them are first time ever occurrences rather than just first time since starting this journey.  Here is October's list...

• October 1: Completed a 5k race
• October 21: First strength training workout since starting this journey
• October 22: Climbed Spruce Mountain
• October 30: (still to come) Preaching and sharing my journey personally outside of Spruce Lake since beginning this journey.
• Hit my first real plateau in this journey - stayed right around the same weight or even added a couple pounds in the last month.

These are some firsts that are tangible and available for all to see.  There are some others that it's possible that nobody but me will notice.  While stretching prior to a workout this month I was able to touch my toes with legs straight and knees locked.  I later picked something up off the floor standing in that position.  Those were firsts.  Putting on a 3x shirt and thinking - I can wear it but it's really too big.  Sitting in an office chair with a hydraulic lift and not having it sink to it's lowest level because there's too much weight on it.  I even did a couple exercises with the trainer that I had to climb up onto an apparatus to do them and I would never have tried them even now without a trainer there to push me - but I was able to do them and proud of the accomplishment after the fact.

Those are some firsts that are exciting and I'm happy for and proud of.  I'm not as proud of the current plateau but I know it's normal.  I also know that the journey I'm on is one of a changed life and a new lifestyle and the numbers on the scale are only a result of the changed life, not the goal themselves.  I will continue to live my life with my renewed commitment to health and wellness and let the numbers fall where they will - and I know they will fall.

While I am proud of these accomplishments and know I should be celebrating them sometimes I feel a little lame in doing so.  After all - what's the big deal?  I'm just doing what I think everyone should be able to do and likely does as they live their life.  Celebrating it because it's a first for me makes me feel a little foolish at times even though I don't think it should.  It does make me wonder if there are still some self image issues in need of change and if changing those would then make me more ready and excited to celebrate these and more firsts that will be coming.

Learning to celebrate will be explored in a future blog post I'm sure.  For now I take the firsts in stride and keep moving knowing every step draws me closer to the man God created me to be.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Green Circle 5k (First ever)

October 1, 2011 I participated in the Green Circle 5k in Winchester, VA.  This was a celebration of going under the 300 pound mark which I had hit a few weeks earlier.  It was a cold and rainy day - not usually a time I'd be headed out for a run, or in this case walk.

I had a lot of emotions going in.  I was excited to do something I'd never done before.  I was a little nervous about doing it because it was new but I was confident I'd be able to finish the course.  I certainly struggled with whether or not I "belonged" there mixed in with all the runners and athletes. 

Friday night I had arrived in Winchester, had dinner with some friends and bought a quality pair of running shoes.  New shoes on I went to the registration table on Saturday and got my number.  Some stretching and warming up and I joined the group at the starting line.  After some instructions the race was started we were on our way. 

Never having done one of these before I really had no idea what to expect.  I was pleasantly surprised to find volunteers every little way making sure we were headed the right way but all of them were supportive and encouraging as I passed them.  There were also enough of them that it wasn't long after passing one that the next one was in sight.  This made it very easy to keep going and set a short term goal - get to that next station.

I had set three goals before I started: two primary ones and a secondary one.  My first goal was to finish and my second to not stop for any breaks.  I did slow down when I wanted to drink so I didn't get water all over me but as wet as I was from the rain that probably wouldn't have mattered.  I did drop my water bottle at one point but was able to pick it up without stopping my movement and therefore still meet that goal.  My third goal was to finish in under an hour if I could.  I accomplished all three.  My time was 54:48.  That means I did a little better than 3 miles/hour which I was actually pretty excited about since I walked all but about 3 minutes of the time.  I jogged a few steps a couple of times but mostly stuck to walking.

There was a 1 mile kids fun run that started 45 minutes after the 5k and used the last part of the 5k course.  This meant I crossed the finish line with a bunch of children completing their run.  It did make me feel a little out of place but my goal was not to finish before them.  Next time it will be.  I finished 160th overall and 13th in my age division.  :)  Of course there were only 160 participants and 13 in my age division.  My competetive side never likes coming in last but since the goal at this event was to finish, where I placed didn't matter.

I did discover a couple of things. 

• 5k (3.1 miles) is not that far and I was easily able to finish
• I had more left when I was done so I could have gone farther or faster.
• The encouragement I received from the volunteers and participants made the race easier.
• At the end of the day I only had 11,000 some steps in (I had more the day before).  :)

Overall it was a good experience.  I got to meet some great people.  I don't quite know if I can say it was fun but I did enjoy doing it.  I'm glad I did it and I plan to do some more.  I do see it as good discipline and the training for them will actually be the most physically beneficial part while the completing of them is likely an important psychological part of my journey. 

I am planning to participate in the Jingle Bell Run with my brother in Birmingham, AL on December 10.  I'm hoping for a little warmer weather and a little better time.

Less me me.  More of Him.
-Eric

Rethinking the Love Chapter

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God with heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourself.  I have wondered over the years what it means to love myself.  Below is an adaptation of 1 Corinthians 13.  Both the TNIV text and my adaptation are shown.

And yet I will show you the most excellent way.

And now let me show you the best way.

If I speak in human or angelic tongues,^[a] but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

If I have an amazing talent but don’t love myself, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.  If I have gifts and wisdom that astonish people and a faith that can move mountains resulting in swarms of followers but don’t love myself I am nothing.  If I give everything I have to the poor and intentionally choose hardship so I can help others and set an example for other believers but don’t love myself I have gained nothing

 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is patient so I’ll remember that “fixing” my brokenness is a process and I will gladly focus on taking one step at a time.  Love is kind so I won’t beat myself up when I fail.  It does not envy so I won’t be jealous or upset if someone else has more “success” than I do.  Love does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others and is not self seeking so while I will celebrate and feel good about my “success” I will not lord it over others or think right steps somehow make me better than others.  Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs so when I make mistakes I will not be angry with myself and I will pick things up tomorrow and do the right thing – walking where God leads me.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth so I will focus on the good choices I’m making and not on the bad ones.  I will celebrate the truth of the accomplishments recognizing that it is God accomplishing great things in me and I will let God use me to help others accomplish great things as well.  Love always protects always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres so I will protect the time I need to make the right choices that help me grow and I will trust the process keeping the end goal and big picture in mind as I go.

 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Love never fails.  If the new life is about heart change (true love), not symptom relief, it cannot fail.  Amazing talent and astonishing wisdom will fade and pass away over time.  Human talent and wisdom is limited and time makes everyone equal at the end.  We have only limited understanding when we are relying on our own knowledge and ability but as more and more of ourselves is surrendered to Christ the limitations go away.  When I was young I was impatient and focused only on the moment.  As I have aged and grown I am learning to see the big picture, think outside the moment, and focus on the goal.  Now I see potential, then I will see accomplishment.  Now I know who I want to be but don’t think I am.  Then I will simply be.

 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And now these three remain: faith in the process, hope for the outcome and future and love for myself.  But the greatest of these is loving myself because as I love myself the process will continue and the hoped for outcome will become reality.

Less of me.  More of Him.
-Eric

The magic pill

I spent a lot of time on the road this weekend and at one point I heard an ad for a diet pill of some kind.  It caught my attention because of the initial qualifications they were looking for.  They wanted people over 25, not just "legal" age and people that had more than 25 pounds to lose so not just someone wanting to fit into a particular outfit better.

I had heard the ad before and kind of scoffed at it when I heard it but this time I paid attention to their selling point.  The ad made it sound as though this pill or tablet was almost guaranteed to work and the best part was - you don't have to change anything about your lifestyle to make it happen.  Maybe that will work for some people.  As I've stated before I am not a doctor, a nutritionist, a fitness trainer, or a health coach.  I have, however, discovered a few things so far on my journey.

I was not overweight because God had predetermined I would be.  I was not overweight because of a medical condition (some people have conditions that may contribute to obesity).  I was very clearly overweight as a result of the lifestyle I was living and the choices I made in what I ate and how active I was.

I am losing weight and losing it reasonably quickly but it is not because of a specialized diet, a pill, or the newest workout fad.  I am changing my lifestyle.  There are some specific things I do in this new lifestyle.  I find ways to be more active than I was before.  Sometimes that is as simple as parking farther away from the store so I have to walk farther to get there.  Or walking to and from work (I live close enough this is a reasonable option).  I have a gym membership I haven't used since the middle of May but it's there when I need a little more activity.  I've shopped around for better food.  I pay attention to what I eat and am consciously choosing foods with lower calories and lower sodium.  I've discovered just how bad some things were that I used to eat on a somewhat consistent basis and I rarely go after them.

I'm not on a journey to lose weight.  I'm on a journey to change my lifestyle and the weight loss is a side benefit of that new lifestyle.  I've heard, seen, and read stories of people who tried this fad or that fad and even some surgical options with the idea that they wouldn't need to change their lifestyle.  If you keep doing what you've always done, why in the world would you expect to get different results? 

If you want a lasting change in your life you'll need to change at least one contributing factor to your current status-quo.  That is the only way I see a lasting change happening.  If you're looking for answers and being shown a product or formula that doesn't require any changes in your lifestyle - I'd keep looking.  Getting a different result requires doing something different.  I'm living proof.

Less of me.  More of Him.

-Eric